


Night Terror

by DatFreud



Series: An Unsettling Path [1]
Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Climbing Class, Dry Humping, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mental Instability, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Self-Harm, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-04-26 12:12:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5004349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DatFreud/pseuds/DatFreud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh is devastated when he gets the news. The death of his sister has taken its toll on Josh’s already fragile mind, but much to his surprise Chris tries to be there for him, unlike the others, who seem to be afraid that Josh will break down completely if they try to approach him.<br/>After getting a call from Josh, Chris visits Josh at the Washington’s house. Josh is left all by himself, and Chris tries to help him and comfort when the voice in Josh’s mind becomes too overwhelming, which leads to a series of unexpected events.<br/>Set after the deaths of Hannah and Beth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. I just finished playing Until Dawn and I absolutely loved it. Especially Josh and Chris, so I decided to write a fanfic including those two sweethearts.  
> English isn’t my native language. I may make some mistakes and my grammar may be a bit off sometimes, but I hope you will enjoy it anyway.  
> Feel free to tell me what you liked or what you didn't like! I love reviews/comments!

”Hey. Hey Josh. Earth to Josh.”

Josh looked up from his lap to see his best friend standing right in front of him with a concerned look on his face. Josh blinked a few times and tried his best to remember what Chris had been saying to him, but nothing came to his mind. He must have been spacing out again, which unfortunately had happened a lot more frequently after the memorial for his sisters. They haven’t even had anything to bury. Only two symbolic, empty coffins. It hadn’t brought much closure to Josh. In fact, it had only made his guilt worse. If only he had been able to control himself that night. Then he wouldn’t have drunk so much that he had passed out, and then he would have been able to protect his sisters.

For every day that had passed by Josh had become more distant and more depressed. His parents absent hadn’t helped him one bit. After the fake funeral they had kept themselves busy with business trips, meetings and a bunch of other stuff, resulting in Josh being alone most of the time. Christ had ensured Josh that they were just going through a grieving period themselves, and they could come around eventually. But Josh didn’t need them at some point in the future. He needed them now, but they were nowhere in sight. They were probably off somewhere pretending that everything was okay and like it used to be. That was probably why they couldn’t bother to look after their son, because if they acknowledged his worsening condition, they had to acknowledge why he started to feel worse. And maybe they even blamed him for their loss. They probably couldn’t stand the sight of him

“Hey,” Chris said once again and put a hand on Josh’s shoulder when he realized that he had started to lose Josh’s attention again. The touch apparently did the trick, because when Josh looked at the blond he eyes was actually focused for once. Chris smiled in relief and gave Josh’s shoulder a gentle squish. 

“Thought I lost you for a moment there, buddy,” he muttered and sat down beside Josh on the small couch after which he put his feet up on the coffee table. The small, but probably wildly expensive, coffee table was overflowing with empty soda cans, half eaten packs of chips and their video game controllers from the night before. 

Chris had spent a lot of time with Josh since after the accident, which Josh was really grateful for. He didn’t want to be alone, but at the same time he didn’t want to face any of his friends. Things had gotten weird between them since everything that had happened at the lodge three months ago. And to be honest, Josh was still mad at them for pulling such a mean prank on Hannah. He didn’t know how he should react if he saw them right now. Should he be mad at them, or should he just pretend that he was okay, and had put everything behind him? Because that would be a lie. He was still furious at them and he was still mad at himself for being unable to protect his little sisters. He spent a lot of time walking around in the big empty house thinking about what he could have done differently. That’s why Josh was grateful for Chris making time for visiting him. It was easier to let go of the guilt, if only for a moment, when Chris was there to keep his thoughts occupied. Since Chris didn’t have anything to do with that stupid prank, things hadn’t really changed between them since Blackwood Mountain. Besides Chris visiting Josh more often nothing had changed.

“Sorry bro. I just have a lot on my mind lately,” Josh answered in a low voice and pulled his legs up under himself and rested his chin on his knees. He did have a lot on his mind. Mostly his mind was occupied by thoughts about what he could have done differently to save his sister. And at nighttime his mind was filled with unpleasant flashback about the morning where his friends told him about Hannah and Beth’s disappearance and also intrusive nightmares about his sister rotten bodies, grasping at him. During the day the unpleasant voices crept into his head telling him, that it was his entire fault. Vivid images had begun to accompany the voices about a month ago. But Josh hadn’t told Chris about that. Not even his therapist knew about it, and Josh intended to keep it that way. The reason for that was that the last time he had admitted that his symptoms had worsened the therapist had just upped the doses of his antidepressants. Josh hadn’t liked that one bit. They made him dull. They didn’t just reduce the sad feelings. They reduced every feeling, making everything monotonous. It felt like the more medicine he took, the more he became like one of the zombies from his nightmares. That was why he had slowly stopped taking his medicine, reducing the doses a little bit at a time.

“Understandable,” Chris said and tried to establish eye contact, but Josh kept staring straight forward like the white wall opposite of them suddenly was the most interesting thing in the whole world. He was once again lost in his thoughts.

Josh had called Chris the day before asking him over, and when Chris had asked if Josh was alright there had been a long silence, before Josh finally had spoken up. He had said that he really just needed to be around someone right now. That was all Chris had needed to hear before he got into his car and drove over to Josh’s place. His parents haven’t been there, so Josh had been all alone in the big fancy house.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chris asked carefully and tipped his head a bit to look at the brunet, who sat with his hands clasped hands together and his fingers interwoven.

“Not really,” Josh answered not looking at Chris, even though he could feel the younger male’s gaze.

“Are you sure? I mean it’s totally alright if you…” Chris tried to assure him. Talking about feelings beyond Josh teasing Chris about his lack of luck with the opposite sex was a whole new territory to them. Therefore, Josh might need a bit of encouragement before he started to open up. But Josh cut him off before he even got to the ensuring and encouraging part.

“Chris,” the older teen interrupted Chris, and look at him with a mix of anger and exhaustion in his eyes, causing Chris to hold both hands up in surrender, taken back by the worn out look upon the other males face. It made Josh nervous to talk about. Whenever his therapist tried to get him to talk, Josh usually broke down in front of the older man or shut him completely by pulling his arms around himself and slowly rock back and forth in his chair, because the memories and the guilt became too overwhelming. He didn’t want to end up like that right now, and sure as hell didn’t want Chris to see him ending up like that.

“Okay, okay. I get it. No talking” he assured him and once again lowered his hands. Silences washed over them. It was only broken by the sound of nails scratching upon the skin. Chris looked down at Josh hands and frowned. Josh had started digging his nails into the skin on the back of his hands, and scratching at it until it became red.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Chris said with a low voice and kept looking at the damage that Josh was doing to himself. He knew that Josh had had some problems even before Beth and Hannah’s death, and that it had gotten worse after, but he had never imagined that it had pushed him into using this kind of behavior.

“It helps me,” Josh snapped, still not looking at his friend. He was too nervous about what he would see in the Chris face, if he looked at him. Pity? Resignation? Maybe even disgust? He didn’t know and he didn’t dare to find out. He had already troubled Chris enough when he called him yesterday and practically begged him to come over, like some kid who couldn’t take care of himself. He didn’t want to burden Christ further by telling him about his problems. He might scare Chris off and lose the only real friend he had left. He couldn’t let that happen. Then he would be all alone, abandoned by everyone he ever cared about. That thought caused his heart rate to go up, and his breath became more labored. He felt like he was suffocating, and the voices from the back of his mind told him that it was a good thing. That he deserved it after what he had done. 

“It looks more to me like it’s hurting you,” Chris muttered, his voice filled with concern. Josh cowered deeper down into the couch and dug his nails deeper into his own flesh, and blood started to flow from the small half-moon shaped cuts. Chris eyes widened at the sight and without thinking he grabbed the other teen’s hands to keep him from hurting himself. Josh tried to retract his hand, but Chris had it in a strong grip, and he wasn’t about to let go anytime soon. Chris covered the cuts with the palm of his hand, rubbing it in small circles over the broken skin.

“It helps me…” Josh suddenly stopped talking and bit his lower lip, regretting that he had opened his mouth in the first. His hands started to tremble and his throat was constricting making it hard to breath. He didn’t want Chris to see him like this. He didn’t want to appear weak or broken. He just wanted everything back to normal.

“It helps me to prevent my mind from slipping,” he finally choked out in defeat and once again tried to retrieve his hand. But just like before, Chris didn’t let go. On the contrary Josh could have sworn that he felt Chris tighten his grip. He screwed his green eyes shut and tried to block out the unfamiliar voices calling out to him. His breathing speeded out and got more and more shallow. It felt like something was pushed hard against his chest preventing the air from reaching his lungs. The faster he inhaled, the more ineffective his breathing became, making Josh feel dizzy and lightheaded. Josh tried to focus on slowing his breathing down, but nothing seemed to help. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, but he was determined not to let them fall. 

“Easy buddy.”

Suddenly Chris’ arms were all around Josh, making the dark haired boy gasped and widen his eyes in shock, his whole body tensing up. But Chris kept Josh where he was, and put one hand on his waist and the other he buried deep in Josh’ dark hair, pulling down Josh’ head to rest on Chris’ shoulder “I got you bro,” the blonde whispered. With shaky hands Josh gripped the back of Chris’ shirt and hang on tight. Josh slowly closed his eyes and tried to focus on the sound of Chris breathing instead of the intrusive voices. He tried to match his own breathing with Chris’, mimicking his pace.

“You are not slipping right now Josh,” Chris assured the older male, and held him a bit tighter than before to prove his point, “this is real. Can you repeat that for me Josh?”

Josh slowly nodded and tried to take a deep breath to preparing himself for speaking. But not enough air came down into his lungs, and what should have been a confident answer instead became an insecure stutter.

“t-t-t…” he stopped himself and gritted his teeth, the voices roared at him, telling him how pathetic he was, if he couldn’t even speak in a coherent sentence. Once again, he tried to take a deep breath, this time succeeding. “This is real,” he repeated in a low, barely audible voice, making Chris almost miss the words.

Even though he couldn’t see it, Josh could feel Chris nodding against the side of his head. It was oddly comfortable and Josh slowly got his breathing under control and his body slowly started to relax. His grip on Chris’ shirt loosened and Chris pulled a bit away so he could look at the other male, but Josh hunched his shoulders and broke eye contact almost immediately.

Josh felt really uncomfortable right now. He and Chris were supposed to be best bros. Joking buddies. Partners in crime. Josh felt like he was supposed to crack a joke right now. Lighten the mood and make Chris laugh. But right now he felt unable to do any of those things. And it really scared him. It was like he was losing parts of himself which he used to value. And it scared him to think about how Chris might feel about it. 

When green eyes finally meet Chris’ blue orbs all those fears vanished for a brief moment, leaving Josh with a feeling of relief and more importantly; a feeling of being safe. Chris was sitting beside him with his body facing Josh. He had a gentle, warm and sincere smile upon his face and his glassed had slid a bit too far down his noses, threatening to fall off.

“So,” Josh asked, dragging the word out, stilling sounding a bit hoarse in his throat. He was really unsure of where they should go from him. He hadn’t really expected Chris to stay with him, not after seeing that Josh wasn’t really alright, that he wasn’t back to his usual playful self, as he pretended to be when the others were around.

“So” Chris mimicked with a smile, which made Josh unwind a little bit. It didn’t seem like Chris was mad at him or frightened by his behavior. Maybe his therapist Dr. Hill was right. Maybe letting people in wasn’t such a bad idea. Still the fear of Chris leaving him, now that he knew that Josh wasn’t okay, still echoed in the back of his mind. But for now he could block it out.

“Can we order Pizza?” Josh asked in a somewhat childish voice and to his delight Chris chuckled and shook his head.

“Whatever you want, bro.”


	2. Chapter 2

After another evening filled with junk food and gaming Chris had decided to stay for another night. Since they had been children, Josh had always been afraid of the dark, and when they had grown older the anxiety had been replaced by uneasiness. And Chris couldn’t image that the uneasiness caused by the darkness and Josh being all alone in the empty house coupled with his current condition was a good cocktail. So he had decided to stay.  
  
At first, Josh had protested and tried ensured Chris, that he really was alright now and Chris didn’t have to mother hen him. But Chris couldn’t forget the lost look that had been on Josh’s face when the older boy had kept clawing at his own skin. He couldn’t leave Josh alone after witnessing something like that. Josh was his best friend for crying out loud. And what kind of bro would Chris be if he just had let Josh alone. So Chris had kept on insisting, and in the end Josh had given in.  
“But tomorrow, I want your sorry ass out of here. You’re cramping my style bro,” the brunet had said with a gleam of amusement in his blue eyes. Chris had ensured him with a bid smile of his own that he would never dream of doing that. Josh had seemed satisfied with the answer, and both boys had gone back to their co-op game, silently agreeing that if Chris was staying until morning, they might as well stay up late and play video games.  
  
The night had ended with both of them passed out in Josh’ room, with the empty pizza box on the floor. Josh had fallen asleep in his bed with all his cloths still on and with one foot and one arm dangling off the bed. Chris slept on a mattress on the floor like he had done so many times before. His glasses had been gently placed on the coffee table along with the controller that Chris had borrowed from Josh.  
  
It was 3:17 when Chris woke up, because something had slapped him in his sleep. Still a bit groggy he sat up, and fumbled around for his glasses which he knew he left on the table somewhere. They just had a mean habit of disappearing and then reappear in a totally new place. Josh called it bad memory, Chris called it magic.    
  
He finally found them hidden behind a soda can and put them on.  It was completely dark in the room, and even with his glasses on, his sight was limited. But he was still able to see what had woken him up. Josh had started tossing and turning in his sleep, and once in a while the brunet would lash out with his arms, like he was fighting something off.  Once in a while he would mumble something incoherent and unclear; making it impossible for Chris to guess what nightmares hunted his best friend. Josh’s feet jerked like he was running from something, and his head was tossing from side to side, while he whimpered.  
  
_Josh was running through the darkness, but no matter how fast he ran he didn’t move at all. From all around him, he could hear his sisters’ voices. They were singing in a language that he didn’t understand. He looked around in a desperate attempt to find them. It was so cold. A rash of goosebumps broke out on his skin and he puffed out little white clouds with every breath he took._  
  
_“Josh, over here”_  
  
_He whirled around to look in the direction of the voice, but all he saw was the all absorbing darkness that threatened to devour him whole.  When the voice called out to him again, he took a step towards it, but he froze immediately when his foot didn’t connect with the hard ground, instead he had stepped on something soft and slippery. When he looked down his stomach twisted and he could feel the bile rise in his throat. The ground was covered in a thick layer of blood with pieces of rotten flesh and torn out entrails scattered everywher_ e.  
  
Chris bit his lower lip unconsciously unsure of what to do. He had read somewhere that waking someone up from a nightmare could be a really bad idea, because then the person would remember what they had been dreaming. And judging by the frightened look on Josh’s face, Chris doubted that it Josh would appreciate remembering it all. Helplessly he looked around in the room, like the solution would be somewhere between the scattered DVD cases or on one of the shelves. But nothing useful caught his eye.  
  
A panicked gasp from Josh made Chris look back at him. Fear and panic were written all over his face. Chis had to do something. He couldn’t just leave his best friend like this. He slowly and carefully stood up, in order to  not startle the other boy, and walked over to Josh’s desk where his laptop and a small lamp were placed. If he was going to wake Josh up, he needed to make sure that the frightened boy wouldn’t be surrounded by the darkness.  
  
The light burned in his eyes, and Chris groaned in pain, and turned his face away from it. Now that he could see probably he walked over to Josh and sat  down on the corner of the bed. Josh kicked him a few times in his sleep, but Chris didn’t mind. He was too focused on how he should wake Josh up.  He slowly reached out for him and placed his hand upon the brunet’s shoulders. The boy jerked underneath his touch and let out a whimper, that tore at Chris’ heart.  
  
_The blood in front of Josh began to move, and soon a rotten corpse broke the surfaces and snarled at Josh with chunks of meat between the unnatural sharp teeth. The decayed body started to crawl towards him with its arms and legs bend in an inhumane angel, shinbone sticking out off one of the legs. As it crawled forward towards him, Josh caught a glimpse of a familiar butterfly tattoo on the corpse’s upper right arm. Josh’s breath got caught in his throat the moment he recognized Hannah._  
  
_“Why did you let this happen to me, Josh?”  Hannah asked in an innocent voice almost human voice and tried to turn her head to look at him properly, but her position just above the swamp of flesh and blood made it  impossible._  
  
_“No, no, no,” Josh whimpered and tried to block out the voice by covering his ears with both his hands. That couldn’t be Hannah. Hannah was dead. It was his fault that he would never see his sister again. And yet there she was. Right in front of him. With awkward movements Hannah slowly stood up and extended her arms towards Josh._  
  
_“No, no, no. You’re not real,” Josh repeated over and over again, closing his eyes and shaking his head. This couldn’t be real_  
_._  
_“But we are real,” Beth’s voice sounded behind him, and Josh spun around in chock, and gasped in fear when he came face to face with Beth, who looked just as rotten and decayed as Hannah, with her shirt half unbuttoned.  Beth smiled at him with chapped lips and a piercing stare. She slowly walked towards him and placed a cold upon Josh’s shoulder, making him whimper out of sheer discomfort._  
  
 “Josh,” Chris whispered and gently shook the other teen, but it didn’t seem to have any effect. Josh turned his head in his sleep again, this time facing Chris. Chris could see how the other boy’s skin glistened with cold sweat, and  Josh’s eyes move rapidly under the eyelids.  
  
“Josh,” Chris tried again and leaned over the sleeping form, “you’re only dreaming,” he tried to reassure him, this time speaking a bit louder, while shaking Josh’s shoulder. Josh’s skin was damp and Chris could feel him tremble under his touch.  
  
“Josh. Wake up!”  
  
_The stench from his rotten sisters’ bodies was horrible, and  it tore in his nostrils. From behind Josh he could hear Hannah teeter towards them, the blood splashed with every movement._  
  
_“Come join us Josh,” Beth said and blood started to trickle out of the corner of her mouth, like a pretty red ribbon._  
  
_“We were all alone down there,” Hannah hoarse voice sounded so much closer now, like she was right behind him. Josh looked around, desperate to find a way out of the nightmare. But there was nowhere to escape to. He was trapped like an animal in a cage._  
  
_“But you’re with us now. And this time, Josh, you’re not leaving us,” Beth said, sounding more and more bitter. Her grip on Josh’s shoulder tightened till the point of bruising._  
  
_Panic, fear and guilt rose inside of Josh to the point where all the mixed emotions made it harder and harder for him to breath. Tears were streaming down his face, and all the air got caught in his throat. He tried to get away. But the more he struggled, the tighter Beth’s bruising grip got. Rage and disgust replaced the smile on Beth’s face, when Josh cried out in pain._  
  
  
_“You are pathetic Josh. No wonder nobody cares about you,” she mocked and started to shake him violently._  
  
_“No, no, no, no. You’re not real,” he choked out._  
  
_“Yes, we are Josh. We’re right here”_  
  
 “No! You’re dead!”  
  
Josh sat up with a jerk, making Chris jump back a bit to give the boy some space. His eyes were wide open and tears were streaming down his face.  His chest rose and fell with his rapid breathing, and Chris feared that Josh might hyperventilate if he didn’t calm down. The boy pulled his knees up under his chin and wrapped his hands tightly around his bend legs.  
   
“No, no, no, no,” Josh repeated over and over again with a hoarse voice, shaking his head violently while staring across the room, like something, or someone, was there. Chris was shocked by the crude awakening and tried to pull himself together. Josh needed him to be focused right now. Josh was clearly a bad place right now, and it was Chris’ responsibility to help him. He followed Josh’s gaze with his own eyes, but all he saw was the door and a picture of him and Josh dressed up for Halloween back when they were eleven. Josh clearly saw something else there.  
  
Earlier Chris had not really understood what Josh had meant, when he had told him about his mind slipping. But now he suddenly understood it, at least some of it, because it seemed to Chris like Josh was convinced that something else was in the room. And even though Chris was right beside him, touching him, Josh didn’t even seem to be aware of his existence at all.  
  
It was terrifying to witness. Josh looked just as frightened awake as he had when he had been sleeping, like the terror that had haunted him in his sleep had followed him into the real world. It all reminded Chris of something that could have been taken right out of Nightmare on Elm Street. That must be what Josh was talking about when he said, that his mind was slipping, it must be something like in the movie, where the kids didn’t really knew when they were dreaming and when they were awake, because the line between reality and dreams became completely blurred.  
  
“You’re not real!” Josh yelled at the nothingness and buried his face in his hands and started to rock back and forth in a self-soothing rhythm, “no, no, no, no, not again, you’re not real,” he mumbled over and over again with a shaky voice and his eyes screwed shut.  
  
 Chris took a deep breath and placed his palm on Josh’s leg and slowly started to rub his thumb in small circles over the material. Josh didn’t register the touch, so Chris moved a bit closer so he could embrace the other teen.  
  
“Shh, it’s all right just Josh. It’s me, Chris,” he whispered in the brown hair and started rocking back and forth following Josh’s rhythm. The words didn’t reach Josh. He seemed completely lost in his own world.  
  
“I’m the only one here, Josh. We’re in your room. It’s just us. You and me, Josh and Chris,” he said loud and clear, sounding way more confident than he felt. Chris hugged his best friend tightly to his body, and he could feel Josh’s heart beat at a rapid speed, matching Josh hallow breathing.  
  
Chris swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly painfully dry.  He remembered what Josh had told him earlier about pain preventing him from slipping. He didn’t like the idea of hurting his friend, but in their current situation he felt like he didn’t have much of a choice. With a strong grip on Josh’s jaw, Chris forced Josh to look at him, but the green orbs were unfocused. He couldn’t get eye contact since Josh looked everywhere, but at him. He raised his free hand to slap Josh across the cheek in an attempt the snap him out of it.  
   
The slapped echoed in the whole room, but it had done the trick. Josh stopped moving and looked at Chris with teary eyes and blinked a few times like he had a hard time focusing. He had stopped mumbling, but he still opened and closed his mouth, like he was trying to say something but unable to form actual words.  
  
“It’s just us,” Chris whispered and gave Josh a warm smile before he gently stroke the place om Josh’s cheek where he had hit him. The skin already had an angry red color, and Chris really regretted having to use violence against his best friend. But he had no choice. He had felt so helpless and frustrated, wanting to comfort and help his best friend, but without a single idea of how.  
  
“Chris?” Josh choked and blinked again, making sure that it really was Chris sitting in front of him. He could hear Hannah and Beth’s mocking voice and still smell their rotten bodies, even though he couldn’t see them anymore. But the images of the nightmare still burned in his mind.  He could feel his cheek hurt underneath Chris’ touch, and concluded that he either had hurt himself in his sleep or else Chris had hit him. And if Chris’ guilty look and his gentle caress were anything to go by, Josh would say it was the latter, which was the case here.  
  
_Now look what you have done. Look what you made him do. You hurt everyone around you.. He is going to leave any minute now, and you will be all alone._ Hannah’s voice hissed in Josh’s mind, making him gasp. It sounded so real, like she really was there. He only needed to turn around and then she would be standing in the corner. Or maybe it would be the rotten remains of his sister snarling back at him. He started shaking again and immediately reached for his abused hand to ground himself through the pain, but Chris had anticipated it.  
  
The blonde grabbed Josh wrist and held it against his own chest, partly to keep Josh from scratching at his own skin and partly to really let him feel that Chris was there in the flesh. As soon as Josh’ hand made contact with Chris shirt, the older boy clenched the material tightly in his fist  
  
“Easy, Josh. It’s only you and me in the room,” he tried to calm down the other teen, and almost on instinct he pulled the Josh completely into his lap and started to rock him back and forth like Josh himself had done before. Chris didn’t want to see Josh hurt himself again, neither did he want to be forced to hurt the other boy. Instead, Chris took a step in the complete opposition direction by offering something calm and tender instead. Chris let his hand slide into the brown locks and without really thinking about it, he placed a gentle kiss on top of Josh’s head to let the older teen know, that Chris really was there and he wasn’t going anywhere. It felt slightly strange to act like that towards his best friend, but at the same time it felt oddly natural considering the situation.  
  
Josh could feel Chris’ heartbeat underneath his hand. It was nice to feel something concrete and tangible which he could focus on. When he felt Chris’ hand in his hair, Josh buried his face into the crook of Chris’ neck. Chris’ skin was hot against his own. It was a nice contrast to the cold darkness that he had awoken from. It felt so nice and comforting. It felt like Chris’ gentle touches were a shield, that could protect him from the intrusive voices.  His eyes widened when he felt Chris’ lips against his scalp. The gesture had taken him completely by surprise. He had expected Chris to get up and leave, because who in their right mind would stay with such a broken down boy?  And even if Chris stayed, Josh would have guessed that Chris might have shaken him or something like that. Not embrace him and kiss him. But Josh couldn’t complain, since the feeling of a warm body tightly pressed against his own was surprisingly calming, he would never admit that out loud though. He slowly closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.  
  
Josh let go of Chris shirt and spread his fingers across the younger boy’s chest feeling the heartbeat and warmth from the body against his own skin. His sisters’ mocking voice and the cold darkness vanished bit by bit, making it clearer by the second that this right here with Chris was real.  
  
Even though Chris could feel Josh slowly calming down, he still kept rocking him back and forth in small, gentle movements while caressing the boy's scalp and his chest.  
  
 “Don’t you dare tell anyone about this,” Josh mumbled into the Chris’ shoulder, hiding his face in embarrassment. The younger boy chuckled lightly into the brown hair and shook his head.  
  
“Don’t worry. It stays between us bros.”  
  



	3. Chapter 3

The next day none of them spoke of the incident. They had both fallen asleep in Josh’s bed, limbs all tangled together. The threats from the darkness were only a hair's breadth away, threatening to grab hold of Josh once again. But for the first time in many months, Josh actually slept through the night without any more visits from his deceased sisters.

Josh had been the first to awaken when the sun had begun to shine through his windows. The light fell into the room like a bright pillar, hitting Josh directly in the face, because he had forgotten to close the curtains the night before. When he tried to get up, he discovered that he was being held down by an arm across his chest. Josh followed the arm with his gaze and not to his surprise; he saw it was connected to Chris’ body. The young male was still asleep and had at some point during the night snuggled up against Josh. His mouth was slightly open and he was snoring lightly. He had stayed after all. 

Josh sighed and dragged a hand across his face. This was never supposed to happen. Josh had never intended Chris to come this close to him, to the real him. Not just the façade he had put up since his sisters died. He didn’t want anyone, especially Chris, to know, how much it had changed him, and pushed him to his limits. But it had happened anyway, and yet it was nothing like Josh had feared. Despite the nightmare and his near panic attack, last night had actually been kind of nice. Sure, it might have been a bit too gay, but it had just been between friends, right. That means it couldn’t have been gay.

He slowly removed Chris’ arm from across his waist, and got out of the bed. It was still early, but Josh felt surprisingly good. Normally he would wake up feeling tired and exhausted from the night’s terrors. His body would feel tense over the probability of a stressful day, especially on days like this, where he has an appointment with his therapist later. That’s why he really needed to get Chris out of the house. Chris might have proved that he wouldn’t abandon Josh immediately because of his problems, but Josh didn’t dare push his luck and reveal that he was seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. He had kept it hidden this long, so he couldn’t see any point in suddenly including Chris in his treatment procedures.

With a yawn Josh scratched his side and made his way across the room, almost tripping over the empty pizza box and the scattered DVD cases.

“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath after he almost lost his balance because of the abandon pizza box. He really needed to clean this mess up or else he would most decently trip over something later in the afternoon. He was always so tired and exhausted after an appointment with Doctor Hill. So the last thing he needed after such a day would be his room looking like a maze of cases and junk food leftovers. 

Without further complication he reached his desk, where he had placed his phone the previous night, because unlike Chris, Josh was actually able to survive without having his phone on him 24/7. With a slide of his finger, he unlocked the screen. No new messengers or missed calls, but the same reminder to “Do some stuff” which he received every morning. “Do some stuff” was Josh own personal code for “remember to take your medicine”, in case someone got to his phone before he did. He tapped on the reminder to minimize it, and was just about to put the phone down again, when he caught sight of his Spotify app. He eyed the app for a moment, the whirls turning in his head. A wicked smile spread across his face and he eyed the still sleeping Chris witch a gleam in his eyes. He had just got a brilliant idea.

“Wakey wakey, Cochise,” he whispered with a wide grin, slowly approaching the sleeping boy, like a predator stalking its prey. He had his phone ready in his hand, with the volume turned all the way up. All he had to do was press play. He knew that Chris had been really supportive last night, and Josh ought to be thankful, but this opportunity was simply too good to pass by. Josh slowly crouched down, leveling himself with Chris’ sleeping form. He almost couldn’t keep the laughter in, so he quickly pressed the play button before he ruined the surprise by laughing.

The music blasted out of the phone’s speakers sending Chris almost flying in the air. The blond looked around the room in an almost panic like confusion, his heart racing in his chest.

“Wh-what,” he asked in bafflement when no immediate danger made itself known. Instead, he caught sight of Josh. The older boy had dropped the phone onto the mattress and had collapsed on the floor, rolling with laughter. He was banging his fist against the floorboard and clasping his side with the other. Chris tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes, but everything was still a bit blurry since he didn’t have his glasses on. But he could still see enough to guess that it had been one of Josh’s pranks, that had scared him awake. He would totally get him for that later. He sat up in the bed and reached for his glasses, but Josh beat him to it. The older boy took the glasses from the coffee table and handed them to Chris.

Their fingers briefly touched each other during the exchange. Before yesterday, Josh might have brushed it off as an accident. But he wasn’t so sure anymore. Not after last night and the discovery of the calming effect that Chris’ touched had on him. Feeling a bit uncomfortable all of a sudden Josh cleared his throat and retrieved his hand and looked away from the blonde. “You… you should have seen your face!” he laughed to quickly change the subject before it became awkward.

“Ha, ha. Very funny,” Chris said, trying to sound serious and offended. But he failed miserably, and ended up laughing instead. He couldn’t stay mad at Josh, even if he wanted to. And besides it had been a good prank. He took the offered classes and put them one with a smile, “You know, I’m taking revenge for that one,” Chris threatened the older boy. Josh just smiled back at him and raised his chin a little bit, to look more confident.

“Oh, I’m counting on it Cochise.”

The rest of the morning continued in much of the same way, with their good hearted teasing. None of them mentioned the events of the previous night. It was like they had a silent agreement about that what had happened would stay between bros. Instead, they had talked about the usual stuff like what games, they had been playing or good movies, that the other should watch if they haven’t seen it already. It felt really nice, and Josh was actually able to just relax and enjoy himself in Chris’ company. It felt like none of the horrors from the Lodge last winter never really happened, and it felt like Josh was back to being the old Josh.

After finishing up breakfast, Josh escorted Chris to the front door. Josh leaned against the doorframe and looked at Chris with a small smile. The blonde was wrapped in at least two different sweatshirts and a jacket. How he didn’t collapse from heat stroke, was a mystery to Josh.

“See you later, bro,” Josh said and scratched his head. He was a bit eager to get their goodbye over with. Not because he didn’t enjoy spending time with Chris, not, that was not the case at all. It was just the fact that Josh had an appointment with Doctor Hill soon, and he didn’t fancy explaining to Chris why he would have to leave all of a sudden. There for it was much easier kicking Chris out now.

“Yeah, see you,” Chris said with an unusually soft voice and started to walk down the stairs, only to change his minds after the first three steps, “and Josh,” he said with a much more serious and determent tone, before he turned around to look at him, “if you need anything, just call me okay?”

Josh’s smile fainted a bit at those words. He didn’t expect Chris to bring it up, and know that he had, Josh had no idea how to react. Should he accept the offered helping hand, or should he just laugh it off and assure Chris, that he didn’t really have to worry about him. Josh unconsciously wet his lips and lowered his gaze, trying to come up with something, anything to say.

Chris looked up at his best friends, and gave him a small reassuring smile, even though Josh couldn’t see it, because he was too focused on staring at his own feet. The older boy was clearly uncomfortable, and Chris had also expected as much. But he still felt like, he needed the other boy to know, that he could count on Chris no matter what. And if the truth be told, it also made Chris feel a bit better, because now he was certain that Josh knew that Chris was there for him. So Chris didn’t have to assume or guess anymore. Sensing Josh’s discomfort and uncertainty, Chis quickly closed the subject, so Josh didn’t have to respond, “but I’ll talk to you later bro,” he said with a smile and gave Josh a slight wave of his hand, before he continued down the staircase.

Josh really appreciated to the change of subject and looked up once again, and waved back at Chris, with his usual carefree smile upon his face. When Chris reached the sidewalk Josh went back into the big empty house. As soon as he had closed the door, the smile disappeared. He leaned back against the front door, releasing a sigh. This had been a strange couple of days, but now he at least had something to bring up in his therapy session with Doctor Hill, then he might avoid looking at those stupid ink blots while trying to explain what he saw in them. 

He walked through the house and into his own room. Once again the messy floor almost had him face-palming the floor. He cursed under his breath, and kicked most of the DVD cases under the TV table. He could deal with that later, the most important thing right now, was to make a clear path from the door to the computer and from the computer to the bed. He was going to need that later, when he got home from the appointment. With his feet he pushed all the obstacles out of the way to make a clear path. Most of his stuff either went under the coffee table or under the bed, making the room somewhat clean, unless off cause you looked under the bed, where it now looked like a bomb had just gone off. When he finally reached the bed, he turned around and looked at his work with a smirk, satisfied with his path-making skills.

The next thing on his to-do list was taking his medicine. He wasn’t particularly fond of that one. He had like so many times before, complained to Doctor Hill, because the side effects were unbearable. But over time Josh had tried so many different kinds of medication, and he had responded poorly to most of them, so now they were running out of options. But he still didn’t like this new kind Doctor Hill had given him. They left him feeling torpid and nauseas. He also had more trouble falling asleep now, but Doctor Hill had ensured him, that these were all common side effects, and they would subside eventually. But how long was eventually? 

Following his makeshift path Josh managed to reach the bathroom without any incidents. His medication was stuffed into the back of the mirrored cabinet, hidden behind oceans of deodorants and shampoo bottles, in case someone decided to go snooping around in his stuff. With a sigh, he opened the bottle and poured three pills into his hand. He looked at the small pills with a frown, biting his lower lip, before finally putting one of the pills back into the bottle. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. Doctor Hill had on more than one occasion advised against stopping taking medication. But he was technically still taking his medication, just not as much as prescribed. And Doctor Hill didn’t need to know that. And besides, if the side effects are worse than the symptoms that the medication should alleviate, then what is the point in taking medication anyway? With a determined look upon his face, he popped the remaining two pills into his mouth and guzzled them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all some much for all of your support, your kudos and your lovely comments. It makes me so happy, and it really means a lot to me. So thank you VERY much.

When Chris got home, he walked directly into his room. He didn’t even register his mom and dad welcoming him home, from their position at the kitchen table. Each with a coffee mug in their hands.

“How was Josh?” his mother asked, but Chris had already passed through the kitchen and was halfway down the hall, deep in his own thoughts. Chris knew that Josh had had some problems before, but until now, Chris had never realized the magnitude of them. He felt horrible. He was supposed to be Josh’s best friend, and jet he hadn’t realized just how much Josh really needed him. With heavy footsteps, he walked into his room, and closed the door behind him. He dropped down into his clerical chair and with his feet he pushed the chair into motion, rolling it across the room. The chair stopped in front of the computer.

Chris had felt so useless last night when he had tried to calm Josh down after his nightmare. He had no idea what he was supposed to do, what would make it better, and what would make it worse. He had felt so powerless. He needed to make sure that it he wouldn’t end up in the same useless position next time. He swore he would be prepared next time, in order to be able to help his best friend and to escape that unpleasant feeling of being powerless.

When Chris touched the mouse, the screen lit up, his fingers stoped before they even reached the keys. He had no idea, how to approach this. What should he search for? He doubted that a search for “Help. My best bro has nightmares after his friends pulled a prank on his sisters that got them killed” would come up with anything. He took a deep breath and wracked his brain for the right search words. Just something to start him out with, something that could lead him in the right direction.

Normally Chris wouldn’t have any problems with researching and googling, he could find almost anything on the internet, and he always knew how to approach it. But this time, it felt different. This time the search results were really important, because this wasn’t about some stupid assignment from school or some information that he needed about an app. This search regarded information on how to best help Josh. He exhaled loudly and raked a hand through his blond locks. He slowly started typing to get things moving. He found some tips for sleeping better, but Chris had a feeling that sleeping wasn’t Josh’s biggest problem. Sure, a troubled sleep might contribute to the burden, but after seeing Josh hurt himself, Chris highly doubted that it was the main contributor. Then he remembered. Josh had hurt himself. He had grounded himself. Chris’ fingers moved swiftly over the keyboard, typing at a rapid speed. He opened several pages in his browser window and started skimming through them, looking for something that might help out his bro. His lips moved as his eyes skimmed the content, but not a single word was read out loud.

He was deeply in thought, when his phone buzzed in his pocket, startling him. Still with an eye on the screen he dug it up, since it might be Josh, and if that was the case, Chris didn’t want to make him wait. He was actually a bit disappointed to see Ashley’s name on the screen instead of Josh’s. It was really strange. Normally his heart would jump right up into his throat when he saw a text from Ashely, and he would drop everything he was doing to immediately texting her back. Afterwards he would check his phone every minute, eagerly waiting for a reply. But not this time. This time he almost felt annoyed by the text, because it had dragged his attention away from the article he was reading. He shouldn’t really feel that way, should he? It was after all a text from Ashley, the girl he had been crushing on since forever, then why didn’t his heart flutter like it normally did? Maybe it he was just feeling a bit off because of everything that had happened last night with Josh. Yeah, that had to be it.

He quickly typed a short reply and went back to his search. When the phone buzzed again, he didn’t bother to check it. He knew it was Ashely anyway, and she could wait. Besides, he had a feeling that he was close to finding something useful. He had found a support site for families and friends, whose loved ones suffered from psychotic episodes. Chris wasn’t a psychologist or anything similar, but after looking around on the side and reading some of the cases, he concluded that it sounded a lot like what he had experienced with Josh. It might not be same at all.But at least some of the symptoms the cases described were the same, and that might be enough for the sites helping techniques and tools to also work with Josh, even though Chris didn’t understand most of it the explanations on why they were working. After reading some of the families’ own stories and comments, he even found an app filled with grounding techniques, that the sufferer could use doing an episode. Now, that he could understand.

He quickly downloaded the app to his own phone, determent to show it to Josh later, and was about to close the laptop, when something caught his eye. It was written in one of the discussion forums, and Chris couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. He closed the laptop and grabbed his his phone and his wallet. He had some shopping to do.

\---------

“You look very well this morning Josh.”

The voice snapped Josh out of his own thoughts, and he slowly looked up from his folded hands. He was sitting in a big comfortable dark-brown leather armchair in Doctor Hill’s office. Doctor Hill himself was sitting across from him, behind his big wooden desk. He had a notebook in front of him and a pen in his hand. Josh just knew Doctor Hill was ready to record every single thing he said and did. It had really bothered Josh at first. He had felt like he was under constant surveillance, and because of that it had taken Doctor Hill many sessions to get Josh to open up, just a tiny bit. Josh was still nervous whenever Doctor Hill scribbled something down, wondering what the therapist thought about him.

When Doctor Hill tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows, Josh realized that the older male was waiting for an answer. Josh cleared his throat and once again lowered his gaze.

“Yeah, I actually managed to get some sleep last night,” he admitted and lowered his gaze to look at his hands again. He just kept rubbing his fingers together, suddenly feeling a bit nervous in Doctor Hill’s presence. Maybe it was because, Josh himself wasn’t quite sure what he wanted out of today’s therapy session. Or maybe he was just afraid that the session would slowly start to revolve around Chris. And Josh wasn’t sure if he was ready for that. He himself barely knew what was going on, so he didn’t fancy talking about with someone else, least of all Doctor Hill, since he had a habit of looking right through Josh’s lies and façade, and Josh wasn’t ready for that.

“You have at a previous session expressed fear and worries about not sleeping well when you’re alone, what have changed? Why do you think you slept well tonight, despite being alone?” Doctor Hill pondered out loud, writing a few things down before he looked at Josh. The brunette bit his lower lip. He could feel the therapist’s eyes on him. It felt like he could look directly through Josh, like some sort of superhuman x-ray. He considered lying, making something up about feeling better, but he had a feeling that Doctor Hill, would call him out on his bullshit.

“… I wasn’t alone,” he muttered after a long silence, writhing a bit in his seat.

“Who was with you?”

“Chris. I have talked about him before,” Josh answered while trying to sound indifferent. He could hear Doctor Hill’s pen move against the paper, writing all sorts of things down. Suddenly afraid of what Doctor Hill was thinking about the whole situation, he quickly elaborated, “We were just playing some video games, “he shrugged and slowly looked up. Just as Josh had anticipated, Doctor Hill was looking at him, with that particular look, which often led to Doctor Hill asking questions that Josh never knew the answer to. Josh waited, but no such questions came. Instead Doctor Hill simply smiled at him and looked at his notebook.

“Tell me a bit more about your evening together,” the therapist said while looking up. He gave Josh a little nod with his head, encourage him to continue. Josh sagged down into the armchair and took a deep breath.

“There isn’t much to tell,” he muttered and looked in the direction of the big window, “we just did what we usually do. Eat pizza, watch movies, and play some games.” It didn’t really count as a lie, since he and Chris actually had done does things yesterday. So Josh wasn’t really lying, he just wasn’t telling the whole story.

“And yet there was something different about yesterday, making it possible for you to sleep,” Doctor Hill answered back with a smirk, that in Josh’ opinion, didn’t belong in a therapy session, “Did something special or extraordinary happened, Josh?”

Once again Josh lowered his gaze. Right now, he couldn’t stand Doctor Hill’s smirk and his all-seeing eyes. Josh hated to admit it, but Doctor Hill was really good at this. That guy knew his job. He was right. Something had been different about yesterday. Josh had actually opened up to Chris, and talked to him about his problems, or at least some of them. And Chris had actually tried to understand and help him, making things feel more normal, like back in the old days, before the Lodge. But as Doctor Hill had insinuated, there had also been something else, something new about their encounter yesterday. Something, that was nothing like last year. Something, that went beyond friendship. It had felt so calming and almost natural, and Josh had to admit that it had been the best sleep he had had in months. Josh swallowed hard and wet his lips, feeling a bit uneasy because of the course of his thoughts.

“Well, it looks like time is up,” the therapist said, and Josh had to hold back a relieved sigh, “we’ll continue this conversation in our next session,” Doctor Hill informed Josh, before closing his notebook. Josh nodded and quickly got out of his armchair, heading directly for the door.

“And Josh,” Doctor Hills said, which made Josh stopped with his hand on the door knob. Josh didn’t even need to turn around to see the satisfied smile on the older man’s lips. He could hear it in his voice, “Keep up the good progress.”

Josh let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, when he finally stepped outside into the chilling air. Fall was coming. The leaves were already starting to change color, decorating the trees in nuances of red and orange. Josh rubbed his eyes with the heels of the hands feeling exhausted and well spent. He couldn’t wait to get home, where he would collapse onto his bed and watch Netflix for the rest of the day.

He had started walking towards his parked car, when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. He whipped out his phone and smiled, when he discovered a text message from Chris.

Cochise: Bro, you’ll never guess what I found!

Josh: How to get to the Bonezone - A guide for Dummies?

Cochise: Dude. Low blow.

Josh smiled at his phone, and shook his head a bit. Josh had tried to set Chris up with Ashley for months. Ever since Josh had found out Chris was having the hots for Ash, Josh had made it his own personal mission to get those two together, but was limited how much he could do, when Chris was way too shy to really go for it. When he reached his parents' car, he got into the front seat and started texting Chris back.

Josh: Just for you Cochise ;) But I’ll take the bait: What did you find?

Cochise: I feel so special… In a weird kind of way. But that’s not the point. The point is, I just found the old The Texas Chain Saw Massacre from 1974 on Blu-ray! Directors cut!

A big smile spread across Josh’s face, when he read the text. He loved that movie! He and Chris had spent so many nights in front of the TV watching it together. It was really nice of Chris to remember it, was Josh’ favorite movie. But then again, maybe it was just a coincidence that Chris had picked up that particular one. Josh hoped not, but the growing insecurity and uncertainty which had started to take hold of him, ever since his sisters’ death, were already trying to convince him that it was just a coincidence, that Chris wouldn’t remember a silly thing like that. Why should he? He may spend time with Josh, but that didn’t equal actually caring about him and what he liked. Soon Chris would just lose interest in him, and slowly start to remove himself from Josh, and then he would be all alone.

Josh’s hands had started to shake and he was gripping the phone so hard, his knuckles were turning white. He tried to take some deep breaths, to chase the negative thoughts away, but it seemed an impossible task. Without even thinking about it, he dug his nails into the sensitive skin on the back of his hand. The voices grew louder and it became more and more difficult for Josh to block them out. That was one of the negative side effects of his therapy sessions. They may help him in the long run, but he always felt a lot more vulnerable immediately after. It didn’t take much to push him over the edge after a meeting with Doctor Hill.

Blood started flowing from the half-moon shaped wounds, but Josh didn’t register it. All he could think about was blocking out the voices, which had started to sound awfully a lot like his sisters’. He could feel his heart racing and his head aching, like it was going to burst any second.

A buzzing from the phone in his hand distracted Josh long enough for him to be able to actually read the message. It was another one from Chris.

Cochise: I was thinking, maybe you and I could watch it together tonight. If you want to?

_He is just doing it out of pity. He doesn’t really want to._

Josh read the message again and again, trying to find a sign, that Chris was just doing it out of pity, like the voices roared. But no matter how many times he read it, he could find it, which meant Chris really did want to spend some more time with him, despite everything that had happened. They were still bros. That though put a smile on Josh face, and his breathing slowed down a bit. When he moved to type a reply, he saw the blood dripping from his hand and onto the seat. He couldn’t let Chris see him like this. It would be way too uncountable for both of them. He had to clean that mess up first, both the physical and the mental mess.

With a deep breath, Josh looked down at the phone in his hand, focusing on movies his fingers across the screen to type a reply. Letter by letter he worked his way through it, and for every word he could feel himself becoming more grounded in the here and now. The voices lost their power, and by the end of the message, the only voice inside Josh’ head, was his own.

Josh: Cool, bro. I’ll just fix a few things first, and then I’ll be right over.

He put the phone down in the seat next to him, and released an exhausted sigh. He once again had his breathing under control, and the only signs left of his near panic attack were the wounds on his hand. But right now, Josh welcomed the pain. Right now he needed something to focus on, in order to get home safely.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys. Sorry for the long wait. Things have been crazy in the real life, but hopefully I’m back on track again :) This chapter was surprisingly hard to write, I had a lot of trouble with getting Josh right, so I really hope that you guys like the way it turned out.  
> And thank you all so much for all the support! You are amazing!

Chris nearly jumped out of his own skin when the doorbell rang. He had been so busy preparing his room, he had lost track of time. He was just about to check, for the fifth time that evening if his surprise for Josh still was safely tucked away in his pocket, and then the doorbell rang. It startled him, and in his surprise he had nearly dropped the small packet. Quickly recovering, he made a move for the door.

“I got it!” he yelled as he ran past his mom in the kitchen. She looked at her son, who already had passed by her, she then looked at her husband standing at the kitchen sink, cleaning the dishes from tonight’s dinner. She raised her eyebrows at him, and gestured towards the door, that Chris just had stormed out off. He shrugged his shoulders.

Chris stopped at the front door. He could see Josh’s silhouette through the frosted glass panels. He slowly inhaled to calm himself down. Normally he wasn’t on the edge like this, but normally he wasn’t about to really sit down and have a talk with his best bro, about a sensitive issue like mental illness, and he surely normally wasn’t about to admit, that he had spent quite a lot of time, actually most of his time, since they parted this morning, on finding ways to help Josh. He really hoped Josh appreciated it, instead of finding it strange or inappropriate. They had never been in a situation like this before, and therefore Chris had no idea about what to expect. He took one last deep breath and opened the door. He was greeted by a big smile and big green eyes.

“Hey, Cochise. What took you so long?” The brunette asked and walked pasted Chris and into the small hallway, where he kicked off his shoes and placed his jacket on the coat hanger. He looked at Chris over his shoulder and smirked, “now, I heard something about a glorious movie, which needed to be watched?”

“Right this way,” Chris said and made a slight bow, which to Chris’ delight made Josh chuckle. It was strange, after seeing Josh totally beside himself, Chris had found out, he really appreciated Josh’s laughs, and he felt a spark of happiness when he knew, it was him that was the cause.

Chris led Josh through the house, and the older boy mumbled a polite “good evening Mister and Misses Johnson,” and waved and the blonde’s parents before following Chris into his room. When he closed the door and turned around Chris was standing in front of him, fidgeting with his feet and looking all nervous. Josh tilted his head to the side and looked Chris up and down, trying to find the sources of the other boy’s nervousness.

“Dude, relax. I’m not going to eat you,” he tried to joke around in an attempt to light the mood, but it didn’t seem to work. Chris still seemed really uncomfortable, and it was starting to get to Josh, making him feel on edge too. Had Chris regretted asking him over? Was he just waiting for an excuse to kick Josh out? His smile faded and he hunched his shoulders, “bro, you’re starting to freak me out,” his voiced cracked, but at least it snapped Chris out of it.

“Sorry, I. I was just thinking,” the blonde muttered while scratching his chin with a long pale finger,

“Don’t do that man, you almost scared me,” Josh joked and went up to pat Chris on the shoulder. He let it rest there for a few more moments than what was necessary, enjoying the sensation a bit longer before removing it. Josh walked past Chris and flopped down onto the bed, lying on his side, with his elbow crooked and his head resting on his palm. Chris followed him with his gaze, but he didn’t move. Josh bit his lower lip and took a deep breath. Even he could see that something was bothering the younger male. And since they had crossed the “not talking about sensitive or unpleasant subjects”-line last night, Josh felt like he had to ask Chris about it, instead of pretending nothing was wrong. Chris had already proven that he would do the same for Josh.

“But what was it, that got you thinking so hard,” Josh finally said in a soft voice, and look at Chris. The younger boy still seemed a bit out of place, but at least he didn’t look like he was about to jump out of the window any minute now.

“Well, I,” Chris started and dropped his gaze, while he placed a hand into his pocket. He closed his fingers around the little brown packed inside, suddenly doubting if this was such a good idea after all. The movement and the half finished sentence had Josh intrigued.

“Yeah?” Josh said. And without thinking about it, he did the same head nod that Doctor Hill had used earlier on Josh himself, encouraging Chris to continue. The encouragement seemed to work because the muscles in Chris’ shoulders, which had been tensed slowly started to relax and his shoulders lowered. A shy smile spread across his face, and when he started talking again, he sounded much surer of himself. It really suited him, Josh thought.

“Well, after last night, I did some googling,” he started and looked at Josh, curious and a bit afraid of Josh’s reaction. But the brunette was still looking at him with a sincere interest in his eyes, “I was looking for something that might help you,” he continued and swallowed hard. He could feel his hands sweating and he looked at Josh. The brunette’s smiled had dropped a bit, but he still gave a small nod, signaling Chris to continue, so he did.

“And I found this app, that might be useful when you’re hmm,” he stopped and gestured in the air with his hands, since he didn’t really know how to say it, without sounding insensitive. Luckily he, didn’t need to say it, because Josh was nodding his head, looking down at the mattress while mumbling a quiet yeah. “Only if you want to though,” he quickly added, releasing the packet in his pocket, to lift both hands up in defense.

Josh kept staring at the mattress. He was completely lost for words. He certainly hadn’t expected this to happen when Chris had invited him over earlier. He had no idea how to respond. It had been so hard for him yesterday to talk about his difficulties with Chris, and he had been so afraid that it would change how Chris looked at him. He hadn’t expected Chris to react like this. Part of him was really grateful, but yet another part was fearful and suspicious. Maybe Chris was doing it out of pity. Maybe he was sincere right now, but he would soon lose interest in Josh after a few days, and then push him away. His sisters’ voices started to grow stronger, hissing harmful scenarios. But this time, they were accompanied by another voice. Doctor Hill’s advice about taking the help, when it’s offered to him resonated in his head, encoring him to trust Chris, and feeding a feeling of guilt, because of those doubting thoughts.

Josh took a deep breath and slowly looked up at Chris, a small smile on his face, “I want to,” He said, sounding a bit unsure, because he was. He had to admit, he was really nervous, but wasn’t going to let that stop him. He could trust Chris. The younger boy had never done anything to prove otherwise. It wasn’t Chris’ fault that he hadn’t known until yesterday, that Josh wasn’t well. Chris had been there for Josh in the best way that could, with the limited information that he had. Josh sat up in the bed and leaned back against the wall. Sitting cross-legged he looked up at Chris, patting the space beside him, “Show me.”

Chris released a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding, and for the first time since stepping into the room, he smiled wholeheartedly. While pulling out his phone from his pocket, he walked over to the bed, and sat down beside Josh. He bit his lower lip, when he could feel Josh shifting a bit closer so their shoulders and thighs were touching. Chris could feel the heat radiating from the other boy. He swallowed hard and tried to focus on his phone instead of the points where their bodies were touching.

“It’s called Keeping Grounded,” he explained and opened the app. Josh nodded and leaned towards Chris looking down at the phone in the blonde’s hands, “in the description, it said that you could use it, whenever you feel your mind slipping. There is a lot of small task and games, and a lot of tips. They are designed to keep you in the here and now,” he said, trying really hard to remember all the information as correctly as possible. He looked down at Josh. The brunette looked up at him through his long lashes and nodded. Once again Chris swallowed hard, and looked down at his phone, opening one of the small assignments, “like this one. This one is for keeping grounding during, ” Chris hold his tongue, suddenly feeling a bit nervous again, but he continued when he felt Josh push him gently with his shoulder, “during an anxiety attack. You look around you and find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. And then you write them here,” Chris explained while pointing at the areas, where Josh was supposed to write the different things.

Josh nodded while Chris kept showing him the app’s different functions and features. He couldn’t help the smile that started to show on his face. Cochise had really done his research and it really felt like the blonde had devoured himself to this. Chris started to explain one of the apps mini games, but Josh had stopped looking at the screen. Instead, he looked at Chris out of the corner of his eye. He could see nothing but sincerity in the younger boy’s face. The sight made it a bit easier for him to actually believe that this was really happening, and Chris wouldn’t change his mind.

“Thanks, Chris” Josh said in a hoarse voice, his throat tightening with appreciation. He was actually a bit surprised by himself. He hadn’t thought that he would get so overwhelmed by something so small like an app. But this wasn’t just about the app. This was about Chris actually wanting to help him. This was about Chris spending a lot of his time on finding stuff that would help Josh, and the build up the courage to actually show all of this to Josh. Even though last night had been so unpleasant and like a living nightmare, now Josh was glad that it had happened. He was glad that he had taken that step, and let Chris in.

Chris looked up from the app, only to discover that Josh was looking at him, with a shy but warm smile, and there was something in those green eyes, that Chris not quite could put his finger on. Whatever it was, it made Chris smile too, and filled him with enough courage to finally reach the small packet out of his pocket. The blonde boy shifted a bit in his seat, when he pulled the packet out of his pocket, making Josh look at him with a raised eyebrow. Chris fumbled with a bit with the packet in his hands, biting his lower lip before he gave it to Josh.

“ I read somewhere, that things like this might help, as a way of helping you figure out what is real and what is not,” he muttered a bit embarrassed and looked down to avoid eye contact. It had seemed like a great idea when he first thought of it, now it just seemed silly and pointless. And maybe even a bit too girly. He swallowed hard.

Josh looked at Chris and then at the packet, curious about its content. He made quick work one the wrapping. Both of his eyebrows shot up toward his hairline when saw what was inside. Inside the packet was a necklace made out of a black leather cord with a simple small silver bead. His feathers quickly softened and surprise got replaced by gratitude. His heart swelled with happiness and a warm fuzzy feeling spread through his entire body. He rubbed the silver bead with hind thumb and looked at it with an emotional gaze. He couldn’t believe that Chris had really done this for him. Chris must really have spent a lot of time and effort on this. If this wasn’t a definite proof of Chris sticking with Josh no matter what, Josh didn’t know what was. He was so overwhelmed he didn’t even knew how to respond. Luckily Chris was there to guide him.

“Do you like it?” the blonde asked nervously and pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. He had immediately thought of Josh when he saw the necklace. It matched the brunette so well both in color and in the aura surrounding it; dark, mysteries and yet gentle. In the moment, it had felt like the right thing to do, and Chris hadn’t been in doubt when he had brought it. It fitted his bro, and it was perfect for the grounding purpose, so why not. But one thing he hadn’t considered, but which struck him now, was the fact that bros, even best bro, doesn’t just go around and buy jewelry for each other. Chris finally dared to look at Josh to assess the other male’s reaction. He swallowed hard, but this time it wasn’t because of nervousness or discomfort. This time in was because of the look on Josh face, which sent a spark through his entire body, pooling in his stomach and resulting in a warm and fuzzy feeling. He would buy tons of jewelry just to see that expression on Josh’s face again. The boy looked happy and relaxed. He looked at peace.

“I love it,” Josh answered and smiled at Chris before putting the necklace on. The small bead felt cool against his skin, but Josh welcomed the sensation. It assured him that this wasn’t a dream of some fucked up and vivid hallucination. This was real. This was a real and tender situation. And it terrified Josh, because he didn’t know how to act. He didn’t know if he was the only one, feeling the tenderness or if Chris felt it as well. It also scared him that he didn’t mind this change in their relationship. In fact, Josh had never been better since the first change after Josh’s nightmare. But what if Chris didn’t feel the same way, what if Chris was uncomfortable with the way things were heading? And what way was that anyway? Josh didn’t mind the tenderness and the sensitivity, but he didn’t want to push Chris into it, and he definitely didn’t want to lose Chris because of it. If losing Chris was the price for this new found sensation, then Josh would rather be without it.

“How do I look?” he asked and posed beside Chris, lifting the tension. He even went to the length of making a twisted version of a duck face, just to make sure that he and Chris were back to their usual goofy encounters. Chris blinked a few times confused because of the sudden change of the mood. But the duck face did the trick, and soon Chris was bent forward, clutching his stomach, all the while guffawing.

“It’s hard to put into words,” Chris gasped between laughs, making Josh’s smile brighten.

After a while, Chris laughter finally died down and he only chuckled lightly when he looked at Josh, whom was leaning back against the wall with his legs crossed and a smug smile on his face.

“Wasn’t there a movie that we were about to watch?” The blond asked with a raised eyebrow. Giving Josh the necklace and introducing him to the app had been really important to Chris, and that was why he had done those things first, but it would be a lie if he said, that he wasn’t excited to see the old horror movie with Josh. They had done it so many times in the past, but Chris never got tired of the look on Josh face, when he was completely absorbed in the movie, or when he would try to explain some of the special effects to Chris.

“That’s one of the reasons why I came,” Josh said and smiled when Chris reached for the remote and turned on the TV and the Blu-Ray player. The fact that the other reason for why he came was just to be with Chris remained unsaid.


	6. Chapter 6

Josh had stopped paying attention to the TV screen halfway through the movie. That wasn’t something he normally would do during one of his favorite horror movies. But normally there would be a bit more space between him and Chris. When Josh had agreed to watching the movie, Chris hadn’t moved. He had leaned forward a bit to reach for the remote, turning on the TV and then leaned back again, which meant that they were still in that close proximity situation from when Chris had shown Josh the app and the necklace. Chris had adjusted his position a bit, but Josh hadn’t dared to move a muscle. Their sides were still touching and Josh was still leaning a bit into Chris, but the blonde hadn’t seemed to mind.

At some point during the movie Chris had once again readjusted his position this time to stretch his arms and upper back. When he once again settled back against the wall and lowered his arms, that was when Josh first felt it. The tips of Chris’ fingers were touching Josh’s lower thigh, but they were not just resting there. No. They were slowly moving back and forth in a gentle, feather light caress. Josh swallowed hard and didn’t dare look at the fingers, nor at Chris himself. He kept staring at the TV screen, pretending like nothing had happened.

Was Chris aware of what he was doing? Maybe Josh was overthinking it and reading more into the touch than necessary. Chris was the shyest person in the whole world. He would never make a move like that. But what if Josh was wrong? What if the little gesture was Chris testing the waters, looking for a sign to keep going. If that was the case, then Chris probably needed Josh to react or else he would stop, and pretend that it never happened. But what if Chris really wasn’t aware of it and Josh made a move? It would result in a disaster. Josh got dizzy just thinking about it. He could feel his heartbeat racing, but unlike most of the time it was only his own half-panicked voice in his head. Neither one of his sisters’ voices were there. They didn’t whisper or hissed harmful comments at him, discoursed him or blamed him. It was really strange. Normally after either a near anxiety attack or a therapy session, he would be extremely vulnerable to his sister mocking voices. And today he had the unfortunate of experiences both risk factors in the same day. Normally his sisters would have visited him right about now, covering the room in darkness and stagger towards him with their wheezing breaths. But they were nowhere in sight, it was just Josh and Chris in the room.

Josh swallowed hard and finally looked down at Chris’ fingers, which kept brushing lightly back and forth on Josh’s lower thigh. The feeling was unsettling, because of all the thinking it had Josh doing, but it never made him uncomfortable or anxious. The feeling was actually kind of soothing for his anxiety, and the constant feeling of those warm fingers, kept him from slipping even though he was a bit nervous. He once again thought back to his session with Doctor Hill and the therapist’s talk about something having changed that made him capable of sleeping through the night. Maybe it was this new physical and psychical connection with Chris, which kept him in the here and now and prevented the nightly terrors that started whenever he closed his eyes.

Chris must have noticed Josh looking at the hand upon the thigh, because suddenly the fingers froze and Chris stiffened beside Jos.The warm fingers vanished and left Josh’ thigh cold.

“Sorry, I umm,” Chris stuttered and scratched his scalp nervously. He looked away from Josh focusing on the corner of the room, in an attempt the hide his red cheeks. He knew he was blushing. He could feel the familiar heat in his cheeks. Chris didn’t know what had gotten into him. Normally he would be way too insecure to do something like that, even with Ashley, maybe especially with Ashley. Even though it just had been a simple touch, he had never done anything like that to her. That’s why he was so embarrassed. Why had it been so easy with his best bro, compared to all the times he had tried to make the same move on Ashley?

“I didn’t mean to…” that was a lie. He had meant to. He had really wanted to, that was probably why it had been so easy. He really wanted to be close to Josh, and let the older male know, that Chris was there for him. And if Chris had to be completely honest with himself, he also wanted to touch Josh, just for the sake of touching.

“It’s okay. Actually, it helps,” the words flew out of Josh’s mouth before he could stop himself. It was too late to back out now. Doctor Hill had been right. Something had changed between them, and Chris must have felt it too. If not… Josh would rather not think about it.

“Really?” Chris asked and looked at Josh, but he couldn’t catch the brunette’s eyes because Josh was staring hard at the TV screen. The fear and doubt slowly faded from Chris when he realized that Josh was just as nervous as he was.

“Yeah, really, so you don’t have to stop,” Josh muttered and stared at the TV screen without actually focusing on the movie. He just needed something else to look at other than Chris or the blonde’s hands. He could still feel the spot where the fingers had touched. He couldn’t see the blonde starting to smile beside him, but he could the heat from Chris’ hand return on his thigh.

“It this okay?” Chris asked in a shy voice when he started to move his hand. This time he moved it in a bigger circle reaching the mid of Josh’s thigh, before moving down towards the knee. Chris made sure to keep his hand directly on top of the thigh, not daring to push things forward to fast by caressing the inner skin.

“Mmm,” was Josh’s answer. Without realizing it, Josh mimicked Chris’ smile. He took a deep relaxed breath and closed his eyes, fully enjoying the sensation. “You can go a bit higher,” he said in a playful tone and cracked open an eye to see Chris’ reaction. It was precious. The blonde blushed furiously and bit his lower lip. The sight was adorable. All doubts and fears about Chris not feeling the change too vanished and Josh felt like his old cocky self. A feeling that had occurred more often in the last few days compared to the time before Josh opening up to Chris.

Chris swallowed hard and looked at Josh. He almost gasped at the sight. He loved how Josh smiled and those green eyes twinkling with mischief. He looked down when he felt Josh place his hand upon Chris’ own guiding it up along the brunette’s thigh. Chris looked back at Josh only to find the older boy smirking at him. He was about to ask if Josh was making fun of him, but his questing got cut off by Josh lips upon his. He froze in place with wide eyes. He couldn’t believe that this was happening. His best bro was kissing him, but that wasn’t the reason for his momentary shut down. The reason for that was the discovery of how much he actually liked it. Josh broke the kiss and moved back a little to look at Chris, because the blonde hadn’t kissed him back.

“Chris.exe has stopped working?” He asked and looked at Chris. Had he read him completely wrong? Wasn’t this what they both were hoping for? He let go of a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding, when Chris finally snapped out of it.

The blonde gave a small laugh and ran a hand through his hair, feeling a bit embarrassed because he froze like that, like a deer caught in the headlight, “yeah, I just needed to turn off and on again,” he continued the joke, which gained a light chuckle from Josh.

“Did it work?” the brunette asked and Chris didn’t miss the way the green eyes drifted down towards Chris’ lips and back up. Chris wet his lips and nodded, smiling back at Josh.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Josh repeated and searched Chris’ face for signs of discomfort. When he didn’t find any he moved a bit closer towards Chris, his breath ghosting over the blonde’s perfect lips. In the end, it was Chris who closed the gap between them, pressing his lips against Josh and initiated another kiss.

Josh smiled into the kiss and shifted a bit in the bed, in an attempt to get closer to Chris. Their chests were facing each other and Josh pressed himself flush against Chris chest, licking at the blonde’s lower lip, which earned him a gasp from the other boy. Josh loved those sounds, and the fact that it was because of him, Chris was moaning like that. It sent Josh’s blood traveling south. He licked the lower lip again, asking for permission to deepen the kiss.

Chris slowly opened his mouth and welcomed Josh warm tongue with his own. The sensation was wonderful and it sent shivers down Chris’ spine, but in a good way. In fact, he couldn’t get enough of that feeling. He explored the brunette’s mouth with his tongue, while sliding his hands up along Josh’s arms and into the thick brown curls. He grew bolder as the kiss went one, and he carefully pulled Josh closer by tucking in his hair.

Josh groaned into the kiss because of the mixture of pleasure and a little pain. His hips bucked like they had a will of their own, in order to get more friction, but their “sitting side by side, chests facing each other” –position made it almost impossible. The lack of body contact was almost enough to drive Josh crazy. He placed his hands on Chris’ shoulder and pushed the younger boy back while he kept kissing and licking the blonde’s lips.

“Lay down,” Josh whispered as he guided Chris’ body down onto the mattress, covering it with his own. He nudged Chris’ legs apart and settled between them with his own hips directly above Chris’ crotch. Chris moaned at the sudden pressure and Josh drove in for another kiss, swallowing all the lovely little sounds. Josh’s rolled his hips against Chris’ and bringing their clothed erections together, causing them both to moan out loud. Josh started to thrust against Chris in a slow and steady rhythm, rolling his hips with every few thrust.

Chris eyes widened when he felt Josh hard clothed length press against his own erection. The movement made his body shiver and tremble and without thinking about it Chris spread his legs further apart, giving Josh better access to create more friction. It felt like every inch of his body was on fire. He moaned again and his back arched off the bed, his hips reached up to meet Josh’s thrusts.

Josh kept kissing Chris like his life depended on it or at least his sanity. Right now it felt like it. He felt like he would be swallowed by the darkness that surrounded his sisters if he stopped right now. The thought made him shiver, and for a second he stooped reciprocate the kiss, in order to focus on grounding himself again. Chris immediately broke the kiss and looked at Josh with concern written all over his face.

“You okay? Did I do something wrong? Are we moving too fast?” The questions spilled from Chris’ mouth like a fountain of self-doubt. This was still so new and Chris had absolutely no idea how to approach it. He barely had any experience with women, and he imagined that the scanty information wasn’t of much use now. Because Josh decently wasn’t a woman, the bugle pressing against Chris’ thigh proved that, and Josh was his best bro, not just some random girl. Josh deserved the world, and Chris would try his best to give it to him. He looked up at the brunette on top of him. To Chris’ surprise Josh was smiling affectionately at him, with lips that were swollen from their previous kissing.

“Yeah, I just…” Josh started and broke their eye contact. He was lost for words. He couldn’t explain the sudden shudder, and he was too embarrassed to tell Chris how much he really wanted this, and how much it helped. He didn’t want to appear weak in front of his bro.

As if Chris had read Josh mind, the blonde rose himself up on his elbow and gave Josh a quick peck on his lips, “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain,” the blonde assured him and gave him a warm smile, “just as long as you say stop, if I’m doing something wrong,” he continued, and Josh heart nearly melted. Chris thought it was because of the touching and kissing that Josh had stopped. He really just was a shy little nerd when it all came down to it.

Feeling a bit more confident and safe from slipping Josh grinned and brought his forehead down to rest it against Chris’ own. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“You’re not doing anything wrong. I just,” he tried to explain, but he found himself stumbling for words. But Chris was patient and he didn’t interrupt Josh, as the brunette searched for the right words, “It’s just been a rough day,” he finally muttered and moved off Chris, resting beside him on the mattress instead, with his elbow crocked and his chin resting in the palm of his hand. Beside him, Chris mimicked the position and looked at Josh with a concerned gaze.

“Do you want to talk about it,” Chris asked, all previous arousal forgotten. He looked Josh over and caught sight of his hand. He hadn’t noticed before because Josh’s sleeve covered the most of the back of the hand. But now the sleeve had ridden up it had revealed a fresh bandage. He didn’t even need to ask Josh about what had happened, he already had a pretty good idea, but that didn’t stop him from asking Josh about it, because maybe Josh wanted to talk about it. Maybe it would help him.

Josh pursed his lips and shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t really want to bring up his sisters’s omnipresent presence. Not when things were going so well, they had all reading ruined a perfectly good session of dry humping and Josh didn’t want them to ruin things further. Josh could feel Chris gaze shift on him, and he followed it with his own eyes. He swallowed hard when his eyes landed on the exposed bandage. Crap.

“I had an episode in the car after my therapy,” he finally admitted in a weak voice. He hated unlike himself he sounded. To him it sounded like a complete stranger speaking through his mouth. Josh bit his lower lip, and grabbed his new necklace, twirling the silver bead his fingers. He could feel his heart rate speeding up, and in his mind, he could feel the echoes growing stronger. Not before long they would turn into his sisters’ voices. Maybe they wouldn’t turn right now, not while he was trying to stay focused on the necklace, and not while Chris was with him. But he was sure, when he got home to sleep all alone in the big house, then their voices would turn, roaring in his mind, and his sisters would appear and his whole room would change into that place again.

Chris observed Josh carefully, waiting for him to finish his explanation, but Josh had stopped completely, like someone had turned off a switch inside the brunette’s brain.

“Hey,” Chris said in a gentle voice and placed a hand upon Josh shoulder, “you don’t have to talk about, if you’re not ready,” he said and moved a bit closer, to rest his forehead against Josh’s, “but I am here for when you are.” Chris smiled, when he felt Josh gave a tiny nod.

They stayed like that for a long time. None of them moved nor spoke. They just lay like that side by side, breathing each other’s air. Chris had closed his eyes and was enjoying the quietness and the intimacy. Josh had also closed his eyes, but he wasn’t feeling as peaceful as Chris. His mind was racing. He really enjoyed all of this with Chris, but right now it was clear that it didn’t take much to push him over the edge and make his mind slip. The loneliness and the darkness that awaited him at home were sure to do the trick. And it scared Josh. He wasn’t sure that he could take another trip into that dark and rotten place, and he wasn’t ready to face his sisters’ rotten corpses again so soon. He was far too vulnerable right now. But he didn’t want to burden Chris with all this. Josh knew he was fucked up, and he didn’t want to drag Chris into this.

But Chris on the other hand seemed to have other plans, “please stay the night,” his lips brushed against Josh’s, when he spoke. He really cared about Josh and he couldn’t bear the thought of him being alone in the big empty house, when he was feeling down like this. It was okay if Josh didn’t want to talk about it or want to ask for help all the time, but that didn’t stop Chris from offering it. He leaned back a little to look at the brunette.

Josh smiled shyly at him and slowly nodded, “only if it isn’t too much trouble.”

“Never,” Chris answered and leaned in to kiss the other boy softly on the lips.


	7. Chapter 7

The morning after was nothing like the first time Chris had slept in Josh’s bed. There was no awkward feeling or the need to get Chris out of the house as soon as possible. And the most important thing was that there was no regret or doubt. Josh felt comfortable and he welcomed the heavy feeling of Chris’ arm across his waist. Josh was lying on his side with Chris directly behind him. They had moved into that position last night after Chris had asked Josh to stay, and they had watched the rest of the movie like that. It had felt wrong to bring in a spare mattress, so the boys had silently agreed that it was okay, to sleep in the same bed.

After their kissing the situation had gotten a little awkward since none of them knew where they should go from there. That was why Josh had suggested that they watched the rest of the movie, which had resulted in Josh lying on his side facing the TV with Chris behind him. At some point near the end of the movie, Chris had built up enough courage to put his arm around Josh’s waist. Josh had simply smiled and had placed his own hand on top of Chris’, glad that the blonde boy had made a move.

They must have fallen asleep like that, because Chris’ arm still rested against Josh’s lower stomach and the TV was flickering across from them. Josh took a deep breath and stretched his whole body yarning at the same time. Once again, he felt rested and his body was fully relaxed. He could really get used to this. It had been two nights in a row with no nightmares, and no waking up with a sore throat because he had screamed his lungs out during the night. Usually, when he had one of his really bad nightmares, one of his parents would wake him up if the screaming had been going on long enough. But they had never stayed and never had they asked what he was dreaming about. There was no comfort, just the act of waking him up, followed by a ’It was just a dream’ which at this point sounded automatic, like it had become his parents’ standard response. Josh sighed and closed his eyes again. Just by thinking about his partners’ cold responses and lack of comfort he felt empty and sad. In an attempt to comfort himself, he brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly.

The movement made Chris mumble in his sleep and like it was an instinct he pulled Josh closer to him and nestled his nose into the crook of Josh neck where it met his shoulder, breathing in his scent. The warm breath sent shivers down Josh’ spine and dragged his thoughts away from his parents. Instead he zoomed in on his best bro behind him. Could he still call Chris that, or had they become something more, and if that was the case then what had they become? Bros with benefits? Bromance buddies? Boyfriends? Josh wet his lips at the latter options, somehow the thought of Chris being his boyfriend was exciting and thrilling. He liked the sound of it, but the question was what Chris thought of it. They hadn’t really talked about it last night. The kissing had just kind of happened, and it hadn’t felt like the right time to bring up the whole ‘so what are we know’-issue. Even if they didn’t have a name or a category, Josh liked whatever they were now. Taking a deep breath, Josh smiled and snuggled into his pillow, which was squished between his head and his crooked arm. He could feel Chris’ warm breath on his skin. The blonde’s breathing was steady and slow, indicating that Chris was still fast asleep.

Josh moved his hand from where it previously was resting upon Chris hand and touched the small silver bead on his necklace instead. He had been wearing it while he slept, therefor it felt quite warm between his fingers. He turned the bead in his fingers a few times, and traced the leather with his fingertips. Josh had always like bracelets better than necklaces, because it felt like a necklace was choking him. But not this one. It was light and didn’t put pressure on his throat, and it had the appropriate length, where it wasn’t too tight and it wasn’t too long either. Chris had really made a good choice. Josh let go of the necklace and put his hand back on Chris’ hand.

\----

Josh lay beside Chris most of the morning with his eyes closed, listing to Chris’ calm breathing. But at some point the pressure from his bladder got too much, and the brunette had to acknowledge that he couldn’t delay a visit to the bathroom any longer.

Carefully Josh removed Chris’ arm from around his waist and as gently as possible, Josh got out of the bed. Chris groaned and rolled onto his stomach while his hand moved aimlessly around in front of him. Josh smiled at the sleeping blonde, and after making sure that Chris really was fast asleep, he leaned over him and places a soft kiss on the short blonde hair, before he tiptoed out of the room.

From the windows in the hallway Josh could see that the sun was already up. It was probably noon. He could hear movement from the other rooms in the house, indicating that Mr. and Mrs Johnson were already awake. He didn’t really fancy meeting Chris’ parents head on alone, without first having sorted things out with Chris about what last night meant for their friendship. He therefore tried to walk through the house as quietly as possible. He hurried to the door at the end of the hallway, which lead to the shared bathroom. And much to his relief he didn’t run into neither of Chris’ parents.

The walls in the bathroom were covered in shiny white tiles with pink flower motives on them, and in the window stood a fresh flower plant in the same pink color as the motives. Even the towels matched the bright color. Josh smiled to himself. He was sure that it was Chris’ moms doing, but he had to admit that despite the girly glow in the room, it looked really nice and homey.

He was just about to turn on the water to wash his hands, but he stopped when he noticed the white bandaged. The sight made his stomach twist because of the memories of his sisters’ voice and the shrouding darkness. He quickly closed his eyes to block out the sight, and took a couple of deep breaths. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. When he opened his eyes again, he forced them to focus on the reflection of the necklace in the mirror, instead of the bandage around his hands. It was still there and because Josh was focusing on it now, Josh could feel the small bead warm against his skin. A shy smile broke out across his lips, when he remembered all the trouble Chris must have gone through to get him this. His sisters and the darkness could mock him all they wanted, but the jewelry around his neck proved that somebody cared for him. He wasn’t worthless, at least not in Chris’ eyes. Josh washed his hands without giving the bandage and its implications anymore thoughts.

Josh turned around after closing the bathroom door and nearly jumped out of his own skin. He had been so focused on returning to Chris’ room, that he hadn’t heard Mrs. Johnson approaching. The woman was standing right in front of him with a big smile upon her face and an apron around her waist.

“Oh, h-hi Mrs. Johnson,” Josh stuttered out in surprise. The woman in front of him chuckled lightly and looked at Josh with a warm gaze.  
“Sorry dear. I didn’t mean to scare you,” she apologized with a smile.

“That’s alright; I was just lost in my own thoughts,” Josh answered and scratched his cheek with a finger, while looking away from the woman. Normally he got along with both of Chris’ parents, but today was different than normal. Josh felt like Mrs. Johnson could tell what had happened last night, just by looking at him. Like some sort of super-mother-power.

“I just wanted to let you know, that breakfast is ready, if you and Chris are hungry.” At the mention of food, Josh’s stomach rumbled, which made Mrs. Johnson smile at him, and shake her head lightly, because of the obvious indication of Josh’s hunger, “You should go and wake up Chris. Then we all can eat together.”

Josh was sure that the invitation was Mrs. Johnson’s way of being friendly and it was probably meant in the nicest way possible, but he still felt absolutely terrified by the prospect of sitting between Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, with their son, whom he had kissed less that twelve hours earlier, in front of him. The awkwardness would be too much. He was sure, that they somehow could tell what had happened between him and Chris. Josh felt his mouth go dry, and when he spoke, it was a bit too hoarse for his liking, “y-yeah, I’ll go get him.” Josh gave Mrs. Johnson an awkward smile and hurried down the hallway towards Chris’ room.

More than once he nearly stumbled over his own legs in his hasty escape, and he sighed with relief when he finally got back to the safety of Chris’ room. Chris had moved again so now he was lying on his stomach with his face turned to the side and snoring lightly. Josh shook his head at Chris’ ability to sleep late. At the beginning of their friendship, Josh had spent a lot of mornings at the Johnson’s residents waiting for Chris to wake up. But as the years passed by and they grew closer Josh got used to either spending the morning alone, playing games or talking to Chris’ parents, and sometimes he would simply wake Chris up, often with some sort of prank.

But before Josh could get started with a wake up prank, Chris started to stir in the bed and turned to his side, slowly opening his blue eyes. He blinked a few times before he yawned loudly and stretched his whole body, making his shirt ride up a bit and thereby exposing his pale stomach and the small trail of hair leading downwards. Josh quickly looked away.

“You look like you have seen a ghost,” Chris mumbled in the middle of a particular deep exhale. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and slowly sat up in the bed, while looking for his glasses.

“I have; You up before 2 pm,” Josh smirked at Chris while walking towards him. Chris just rolled his eyes and shook his head, while still searching for his glasses. He knew he had left them somewhere around here last night.

“What? No witty comeback? I’m disappointed Cochise,” Josh mocked, trying to sound serious, but the smile on his face gave him away immediately. His smile only widened when he observed Chris’ unfruitful attempt to locate his glasses. The blonde boy was looking all over his bedside table, but Josh knew for a fact, that Chris would not find them there. He had seen the blonde boy place them on the windowsill yesterday.

“Get back to me in a few hours, then you’ll have your comeback,” Chris said and got out of bed adjusting his t-shirt in the processes. He looked at Josh when the other boy started to walk across the room, but Josh’s figure was a bit hazy without Chris’ glasses. He smiled wholeheartedly, when Josh held up his glasses with a smug smile on his face.

“Looking for these Cochise,” the nickname came naturally to Josh. He had called Chris it so many times now, that he hardly thought about anymore. But after last night the words seemed more intimate and private. They felt like something special and when Josh saw Chris biting his lower lip, he knew, Chris was thinking the same.

“Thanks,” the blonde boy said and reached for the glasses, but before he could close his fingers around the black frame, Josh pulled it out of reach with a smile that went from ear to ear.

“Who said I was just going to give them to you?” he asked, and just to support his previous hypothesis, he added a “Cochise?” in a purr-like manner, just to see how Chris would react to it. Chris stopped moving and looked at Josh with a dumbfounded look, and his cheeks and ears were slowing getting a light red color. The sight warmed Josh’s heart, because it made his defense against the mocking voices and the suffocating darkness even stronger. The kiss had really happened. He kept smiling at Chris and wiggled his eyebrows at the blonde boy, while walking in a circle around him.

Chris followed Josh with his gaze. At first, when Josh had walked into the room, he had been very unsure about how he should handle the situation. He didn’t regret anything that had happened last night, but he didn’t want to push Josh to do something he didn’t want to or even worse; take advantage of him. Chris feared that Josh had just needed somebody to talk to and to feel connected to, and that somebody happened to be Chris. Or maybe Chris had given Josh the impression, that something more intimate was expected from him. Chris had loved the kiss, hell he couldn’t wait to kiss Josh again, but only if the brunette didn’t feel forced to do it. But by looking at Josh right now, as he walked around Chris with a sly smirk and a gleam in his eyes, he didn’t seem to be forced at all. Quite the opposite actually.

Chris finally returned the smile and crossed his arms across his chest, “I don’t suppose you’re just going to give them to me willingly are you?” he asked and turned in order to look at Josh. Josh’s smiled brightened and he slowly shook his head.

“Figures,” Chirs said and sighed dramatically. Josh had once again circled around him, and was now standing directly behind Chris’ back. When the blonde moved again, to look at Chris, he was stopped by a hand on his waist and another one on his cheek, and even though it didn’t use force, it stooped Chris from turning. He was instead facing the window. He could feel Josh behind him. The heat radiated from his body, and Chris could feel the other boy’s breath hot on his neck.

“So, what do I have to do?” Chris asked and kept staring straight ahead. He didn’t have to look at Josh, to know that the other boy was smiling. Josh had always enjoyed games, pranks and schemes, and this was no different. But if it made Josh happy, Chris would gladly play along.

Josh smiled in satisfaction and leaned towards Chris, resting his front against Chris’ back, “I am so glad you asked,” Josh whispered with his breath ghosting over Chris ear. The action caused Chris to shiver and Josh could feel how the other boy tensed up against him. Not wanting to move things along too fast Josh back up a little giving the other boy some space, “a kiss,” he said in a shy voice, before finally removing himself completely from Chris. This was still a whole new territory, that Josh didn’t know how to navigate in, so he was careful and took it one step at a time, afraid to screw something up.

Chris swallowed nervously, and slowly turned around to face Josh. The brunette was standing there with a small, shy smile and looked down at his feet, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He was just as nervous as Chris was. The thought helped Chris’ confidence a bit, and after a deep breath, he dared to take a step towards Josh.   
“Sounds fair enough,” he said in a soft voice. Josh looked at him and the smirk had returned to his face.

“Then come on, Cochise” despite his cocky attitude, Josh felt a bit unsteady in the situation, so relieved washed over him, when Chris finally closed the gap between them and kissed Josh. The kiss was slow and gentle. No teeth or tongue, just their lips moving against each other. It felt wonderful and out of pure instinct Josh placed both of his hand, one still holding the glasses, on Chris’ waist. When they parted for air Chris couldn’t tear his eyes away from Josh’s perfect red and swollen lips. He sighed happily and rested his forehead against Josh’s own.

“Can I have my glasses now?” he asked with a smile. Josh wet his lips and returned the smile, “maybe after another kiss,” he said and poked Chris in the side, “but I’ll have to save that one for later. Your mom actually asked me to wake you up because breakfast is ready.” He had totally forgotten about his meeting with Mrs. Johnson in the hall, and her request about getting Chris. All his previous hunger was also forgotten. Chris had managed to satisfy him completely by that one simple kiss.

“Oh,” Chris uttered, and leaned back to look at Josh.

“Yeah, oh,“ Josh smiled and let go of Chris, “but maybe we could continue this later, and talk about this… us,” he asked with sincere hope in his voice and gestured awkwardly between himself and Chris. Josh loved the sudden change in his and Chris’ relationship, but it would be nice to know if Chris felt the same, and it would be nice to actually have a name for this change.

Chris nodded and before he could talk himself out of it, he leaned forward and quickly kissed Josh on the forehead, “After breakfast. Then you’ll have my undivided attention,” he promised, and that was all Josh needed to hear.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys happy new year (A bit late, I know ;) )! This chapter took me a long time to write, mostly because I had two examinations, which I needed to study for. But anyway, I am back now, with another chapter. I think there will be one or two more chapters to go, and then this story will come to an end. I really enjoyed writing it, and I’m so grateful for all the comments and kudos you guys gave me, it was really supportive!   
> Oh, and this chapter will contain some light slash, not exactly nsfw (We’ll get to that in the next chapter), but since someone asked me to give a heads up, I have marked it in the text with a (warning start) and a (warning stop) so if you are uncomfortable with that sort of stuff, then you will still be able to read the chapter   
> But once again thank you for all of your support, and let me know what you think of this chapter

“So what did you want to talk about?” Chris asked as he flopped down onto his bed after breakfast. His mom had spent the morning preparing a big breakfast with pancakes, fruit, scones, eggs and sausages. Chris highly suspected that Josh was the cause. Chris’ mum always went the extra mile when Josh was involved. Once she had even asked Chris in advance what Josh’s favorite dish was, in order to make it for him, when Chris had him over later that week. But Chris couldn’t really blame his mum. Josh could be really charming when he wanted to. Hell, even when Josh wasn’t trying Chris still found him charming. He always had.

“Us,” Josh answered and took a seat in Chris’ outdated beanbag. He sank completely into it and almost disappeared out of Chris’ view, “I mean,” the brunette continued and readjusted his position in the beanbag, “if there is an us,” the last part came out as a hopeful question and his green eyes sought out Chris on the bed. Josh felt very vulnerable right now. He felt like he was wide open and if Chris felt like it, he could take a direct hit at Josh. But Josh trusted Chris. He knew Chris would never take this opportunity to make fun of Josh for liking a dude, or make a mean prank. Even if Chris wasn’t interested in them being together, he would never hurt Josh. At least that was what Josh was logically telling himself, while the fear and doubt continued to grow in his stomach. He moved his hand to the front of his throat, and let his fingertips touch the silver bead on his necklace. He had to stay in the here and now, instead of following his sisters’ voices to a dark and lonely place in the back of his own mind. He focused on the sensation instead of the growing pit in his stomach, and he kept reminding himself, that Chris had gone through a lot, to give him this necklace.

Chris wet his lips and smiled at Josh, when it seemed like the brunette’s insecurity was about to eat him up. The past couple of days had made Chris realize that there was a lot more to Josh than what met the eye. Chris had realized that Josh wasn’t really so sure of himself as the brunette pretended.

The smile made Josh relax a bit and he let out a breath, he didn’t realize he had been holding and ran a hand through his hair. He looked up at Chris and returned the smile. He could feel his heartbeat rising inside his chest, but it was so different than when he was about to be overwhelmed by anxiety. Instead of feeling like he was suffocating, he felt warm and like he was flying. All because of that smile.

“I really want there to be an us,” Chris admitted and lowered his gaze, because he could feel his cheeks heating up in a red blush, “so if it’s okay with you…”

“It is,” Josh interrupted, then he himself blushed because of his eagerness. Josh usually thought of himself as an outgoing and social person, one whom was good with the ladies and a perfect bro. It wasn’t like him to be this socially clumsy and awkward, but he often found himself like this around Chris. It could be a bit of a drag sometimes. Normally he would put up a façade, a mask he could hide behind. It was like he could switch out his insecurity and sadness and replaces it with self-confidence and joy. But right now, there was no façade and no mask to hide behind. It was just Josh, and he felt raw and exposed like this, but he refused to put on his mask, not with Chris. Even though it felt unpleasant, Josh wanted Chris to see the real him, not just a mask made out of bottled up emotions and regulating pills. And the fact that Chris was just as awkward as Josh was right now made it so much easier to keep the mask off, because it made Josh fell like he wasn’t alone.

The fast respond almost made Chris’ heart melt, and he couldn’t help but chuckle lightly. It was nice to know he wasn’t the only who wanted to be more than just best bros. “Boyfriends then,” Chris asked with a smile and pushed his glasses further up his nose. Josh nodded and scratched his head, “yeah, boyfriends,” the brunette repeated and wet his lips. The words felt strange in his mouth, but at the same time it felt just right. He looked up at the boy, his boyfriend on the bed. Chris was smiling brightly and sat up straight.

“This is great. Just wait until we tell it to the others,” Chris beamed and looked around for his phone. It wasn’t like him to misplace it, but this morning he had had something far more important on his mind. He rummaged around in the bed sheets, looking for the lost phone while smiling all the time. When the phone was nowhere to be found in the sheets, Chris gave up and looked at Josh. But when he caught sight of him, Chris’ smiled faded a bit. Josh was sitting in the beanbag biting his lower lip. He was squashing the silver bead tightly and starring and nothing in particular. Chris swallowed hard and tilted his head to one side, “you’re okay there Josh?”

The thoughts were racing inside Josh’s head, and all kinds of scenarios were flashing in front of his eyes. He hadn’t really thought about what the others would say? And what should they tell them? How would they react? What would they think when they found out that not only was Josh not right in his head, he was also gay.

_They’ll finally see you as the freak you are. And when they do, they leave you. At first you’ll have your little Cochise, but eventually he’ll leave you to be with Ash, and then you’ll be all alone._

Josh inhaled a sharp breath and clutched the silver bead tight to prevent himself from digging his nails into the tender flesh on his hand, even though the urge was there. He had totally forgotten about Ashley. Or no, that was a lie. She had been in the back of his mind the whole time, he had just refused to think about here. But now, all those pushed away thoughts were reaching his consciousness. Why would Chris choose him over her? Ash was perfect for Chris, even Josh could see that. And she was totally into Chris, so why then had the blonde chosen Josh, whom was so broken and fragile? Josh closed his eyes, and tried to regain control over himself. Chris had chosen him, because he liked him. End of story. No ulterior motives.

_What if he was just curious?_

Without even realizing it, Josh had started to rock bag and forth in the beanbag in a slow an steady rhythm. He took a few more calming breaths, but the deep dark voices had already kindled the doubt inside him, and new worries had started to grow in his mind. Because even if Chris had chosen to be with him because he really liked him, no matter how broken Josh felt he was, then there was still the issue about telling somebody else about them.

He was especially worried about how Ashley might react. How would she feel, when she found out that Chris was together with him instead of her. She would properly be furious, maybe she didn’t want to talk to him anymore. _And then you will lose her._ And if Ash was pissed at him, Sam would side with her for sure, and then Josh would lose her too. And he wasn’t sure how the boys would react to one of their bros being gay. _They will think you are some sort of broken down freak. Taking meds and liking boys, are you even still capable of just pretending that you are normal?_

The brunette took a deep breath to clear his head a bit and to get a grip on himself. He kept caressing the silver bead between his fingers and he slowly inhaled through his nose and exhaled through his mouth. He knew the voices were lying; Chris was the living proof of that. He didn’t see him as a freak, even though he had seen Josh without his mask. The voices were just repeating his fears out loud, making them seem like they are the reality, instead of just being thoughts. When he opened his eyes once more, he could see that Chris was looking at him with concern in his baby blue eyes.

“Sorry,” Josh said and shrugged his shoulders with a small smile, as if he tried to shrug off the brief movement of uncertainty, “I just haven’t thought that far, ” he admitted and shrugged again, this time lowering his gaze.

“Don’t be,” Chris immediately said and got up from the bed. He crossed the room in three big steps and sat down besides Josh, half on the bean bag and half on the floor. “We’ll figure this out together,” he said in a soft voice and placed a warm hand upon Josh’s knee, “We’ll just take it one step at a time,” the blonde slowly leaned in a kissed Josh just above his ear, and blew playfully blew hot air into it in an attempt to ease up the tension. Josh tried to duck out of Chris’ reach, while laughing and playfully pushing his… well, his boyfriend away from him.   Satisfied with the results, Chris smiled and leaned back again onto his heels. Josh still wasn’t looking at him, but at least he was smiling now, and that was all Chris needed.

“But I am serious Josh. We’ll figure this out, and we’ll take it at whatever speed we feel comfortable with,” Chris assured Josh in a soft voice, while he fiddled with his own hands. He had never been good with sensitive and personal subjects. To him, they felt awkward and uncomfortable and whenever at convocation started to stir into these subjects, he would start to make jokes in order to make things less serious or to change the subject. It was his defense mechanism. But he really wanted things to work out with him and Josh he therefor kept his almost compulsive urge to joke to himself. He opened his mouth, not to joke, but to actually help Josh.

“What about Ash,” Josh interrupted before the blonde could say anything and finally looked at Chris. He was really grateful for how things had changed between them, and he was excited that he now officially could call Chris his boyfriend, but he was still confused about how Chris could go from being head over heels for Ashley to suddenly having feelings for his best bro. It all just seemed strange and… _Convenient_ , Hannah’s voice added in his head with a sweet and innocent tone, like she was helping him with naming a movie he forgot the title o. _He is just playing you Josh. He saw an opportunity to make a great scam. Everyone will laugh. Everyone except you, Josh_.

Chris blinked a few times. At first he had been so confused about Josh’s sudden change in behavior, but now he started to get a clear view of all the thoughts running through Josh’s head. The blonde slowly wet his lips and met Josh’s insecure green eyes.

“She is a nice girl and a good friend,” Chris admitted and ran a hand through his blonde locks, “but that’ all she really was or is. I might have been a bit interested at the beginning, but it was never something serious, and after a short while, all I saw her as, was a friend.” he muttered, still looking at Josh. Josh skeptical raised an eyebrow and wrinkled his nose, but despite the doubtful look in Josh’s eyes, Chris still thought he looked cute, kind of like a confused bunny, but he was sure, that Josh would punch him if he did. So he kept it to himself.

Josh continued to look at Chris with the intense look, scanning Chris’ face for any hint of a lie. He could feel his doubts feeding his inner darkness, but he would not let it take control of him. So he did his own mini version of the game from the app, Chris had shown him, where he was supposed to be counting different things. In this case he was counting the evidence for or against Chris lying. When he didn’t find any direct evidence, his features softened but he still wasn’t buying Chris’ bullshit.

“You’re kidding me bro,” Josh finally said with a hint mocking in his tone and a sly smile. He could see directly through Chris. The Blonde was just trying to make protect Josh. Maybe after everything Chris had seen, he was afraid of Josh’s reaction, and therefore lied to protect him. That would make sense, because Chris couldn’t be serious, not after all those small signals that Chris and Ashley had been sending each other the past year and a half. And even though Josh might be a bit fucked up at times, that didn’t mean he was some kind of fragile thing which needed to be wrapped in bubble wrap. That’s why he had called Chris out on his bullshit.

Chris shook his head, the smile from before fading bit by bit, until the corners of his lip were turning downwards. He wasn’t kidding, not even the slightest. He had thought about his friendship with Ashley many times before, even before all this with Josh. He really liked her. She was intelligent, funny and good company… as a friend. It had been around last year after the accident in the lodge when he had found out that he really wasn’t interested in taking things further in his and Ashley’s relationship. At first it had bothered him. He had thought that something was wrong with him. Ash was a beautiful girl and they had a lot of things in common, so any normal teenage boy would die to get together with her, but not him, he never had the urge. He had tried to force it at first, thinking that he might just need some time to adjust to the thought of moving from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. But the adjustment never came. He had been too scared to talk to the others about it. He hadn’t even told Ashley, that he wasn’t interested, because it was expected of him to be interested. So he had kept it a secret and kept pretending, fooling not only Ashley but also himself.

Josh turned in the beanbag chair to look at Chris properly, because the other teen had turned his upper body away from him, and Josh needed eye contact in order to figure out what the sudden change in the mood was all about. The first thing Josh noticed when he got a better view at Chris was that Chris and stopped looking at him. Instead the blue orbs were fixed on Chris’ fumbling hands. The second thing Josh noticed was the red color kissing Chris cheeks and the way his brows were knitted. Josh swallowed a lump in his throat at the sight; it was only on rare occasions that he got to see Chris like this. He had seen him embarrassed and uncomfortable before, but rarely like this. Chris didn’t just look embarrassed. He looked ashamed. And that made Josh feel ashamed for doubting him.

“You’re not kidding,” he conceded in soft and surprised voice, moving in the beanbag so his whole body was facing Chris, who sill was sitting on the floor beside him. Josh slowly placed a hand on Chris’ shoulder and started to rub his thumb in small circles over Chris’ shoulder blade. The small gesture made Chris hands stop, and after a while he looked up at Josh.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Josh asked, even though he knew he was the last person who got to ask that question after all those secrets he himself had kept from his friends.

“I guess I just felt, like it was expected of me, “Chris answered and shrugged his shoulders, “I mean, Ash is a nice girl, and pretty too. So why shouldn’t I want to be with her?” He asked and looked at Josh, but before the brunette could even open his mouth to respond, Chris had already started talking again. This had been bundled up inside him for so long, and after he first started talking, it felt like someone had busted a hole in that bundle, and now all those shameful thoughts were pouring out of him, “But the truth is, I never really felt it you know? Sure, we had and still have a lot of fun together and I really enjoy her company, but there is still something missing. Like that spark you always hear about in bad romance movies, it isn’t there. I.. arh… I don’t know, it’s really hard to explain, I don’t blame you if you don’t understand me. I’m just babbling right now” Chris tried his hardest to explain, to make Josh understand, but he had never really dared to put his thoughts and feelings into words, so now that he did it, they came out clumsily and all tangled up. He sighed deeply when he felt Josh’s hands on his shoulder tighten a bit. The brunette looked at him with a warm smile upon his lips.

“I think I understand,” Josh said, and continued to explain, when Chris gave him a doubting look, “I mean, that’s what I felt like with my sleep problems and you now… my slips” he still wasn’t used to talking about it so freely, so the words had to be forced out, “because I felt like everybody just expected me to be happy and to have moved on from last year,” he felt a lump forming at his throat at the thought of his sisters’ deaths, but the connection between his palm and Chris’ shoulder kept him grounded, “so I get it Chris, “ he assured Chris and returned to running his thump in small circles on Chris’ shoulder, “and that’s why I think, we should keep this to ourselves?” he added carefully and raised his voice at the end, to make his opinion seem like a question.

Chris nodded a few times and pushed his glasses further up his nose, “yeah. That might be a good idea,” he agreed and looked at Josh with a smile. Josh was relieved to see that all the shame and discomfort from before had vanished from the other boy’s face, “and then the two of us, can take it slow. Besides, it’s nobody else’s business,” he added, which made Josh smiled even more. The brunette snorted happily and leaned towards Chris, resting their foreheads together.

“You said it,” Josh whispered, his breath ghosting over Chris’ lips.

“So, Secret boyfriends then?” Josh asked in a hushed voice, smiling when he could feel Chris nod in silence, “Perfected,“ Josh’s voice had dropped a few octaves, but before Chris could ask what was on the brunette’s mind (he had a pretty good idea though) Josh had closed the gap between them and kissed his new secret boyfriend intensely. The certainty that Chris wanted this as much as Josh, and the knowledge that Chris hadn’t been interested in Ashley filled him security and determination, and it made him bold enough to nip at Chris’s lower lip gently, making Chris part his lips. Josh didn’t waste a second before sliding his tongue into the other boy’s mouth. Josh’s hand glided from Chris’ shoulder and across his back, making it possible for Josh so pull Chris even closer to him.

(Warning start)

Chris let Josh pull him closer until their chest were pressed flush together, and he buried both of his hands in the brown curls. It felt like his whole body was on fire. Everyplace Josh touched send jolts of energy through his body, making him jerk at every other movement. When his body gave another sudden thrust, Josh broke the kiss, and buried his face in Chris’ collarbone.

“Mmm, do that again,” he moaned. The thrust had Chris’s hip grinding against Josh’s groin, and it had felt absolutely wonderful. Chris could feel Josh’s heated breath through his many layers of cloth. It felt wonderful on his heated skin and it send his blood rushing south. Chris removed his hands from Josh’s hair and embraced him instead.

Josh wiggled in the embrace, trying to create some of the wonderful friction that he had felt earlier. He needed more contact, he needed more Chris. The brunette yanked down the collar of Chris’ shirt, in order to get access to more skin. As soon as the milk white skin was exposed Josh attacked it with his teeth and tongue, nipping and licking everywhere he could reach. He felt fantastic like this. Every time Chris moaned or shivered, he knew, that it was because of him. He knew that it was because Chris liked what Josh was doing to him, because he like him as a person. It felt so good to be wanted, to be desired.

All of Chris’ body was shivering because of what Josh was doing to him. He didn’t know how to respond or where to put his hands. He felt so inexperienced, and that scared him about. He really wanted to be the best bro and boyfriend to Josh, but how could he be that, when he didn’t even know the basics about intimate encounters. He moaned again when Josh tongue had moved to a particular sensitive spot behind Chris’ ear. Josh stopped his kissing and thrusting, when he sensed Chris had stopped responding. Before he would have been freaking out right now, but after he and Chris had talked, it had become clear to him, that Chris was just as insecure and new to all of this as he was. And giving the fact that Chris was also considerate and always wants to please others, he was properly in the middle of an inner dialog about how to best do this, in a way that would benefit Josh.

(Warning end)

“You’re thinking too much,” Josh breathed into Chris’ ear, and slowly liked the place just under it, which he had found out were Chris’ sweet spot, “just relax and roll with it.”

“I don’t really know what I’m doing Josh. I’ve never…” Chris bit his lower lip and turned his head to the side in embarrassment. Their group had always joked a lot about sex; especially Josh who always talked about the bone zone and it was no secret why Emily and Matt had wanted their own room back at the lodge. Chris played along to, and joked and talked about taking Ash to the bone zone, but that was all just big words. He didn’t have any experience at all, not with a girl and especially not with a boy

“That’s okay,” Josh assured him and raised his head to look Chris in the eye, “that’s the point about taking it slow; we take it one step at a time, alright?” he asked and looked at the boy. In Josh’s eyes Chris looked amazing like his with his flushed face and heaving chest. Josh loved that look on Chris. Chris slowly nodded and readjusted his glasses, which almost had slipped off his nose. Josh returned the nod and gently kissed Chris on the lips.

“And if you at any point fell uncomfortable, you just tell me to stop, okay?” Josh promised him and once again Chris nodded with a shy smile.

“And the same goes for you,” he points out, making Josh chuckle.

“Yeah, the same goes for me,” he clarified. He took a deep breath and shook his head, when he could hear Chris’ mom staring the vacuum cleaner down the hallway. Chris had also noticed the noise and groaned in frustration. There was no way in hell he could continue this knowing that his mom was right outside his door. Josh must have felt the same way, because he moved back onto the beanbag chair, creating some space between them.

“Why don’t we continue this later, that noise pretty much killed my boner, besides, I need to take…” Josh stopped dead in his sentence. His medication. He had forgotten to bring it with him. It was still standing behind the shampoo bottles in the mirrored cabinet. For a moment he really considered just stopping taking his pills all together, but he also knew that his body could experience some serious withdrawal effects. With a defeated groan, he threw his head back, “my medication,” he admitted. He hadn’t talked to Chris about it yet, but at this point he figured that it was pretty much self-evident that he was on some kind of meds.

“It’s still back at my place,” He said and slowly got out of the beanbag. Chis immediately stood up too, “Well then, let’s go get it,” the blonde said, and Josh looked at him thankfully. He was glad Chris just wanted to help instead of asking all sorts of questions.

“Thanks.”

“No problem, we can borrow my mom’s car,” Chris assured Josh, and with a hand on Josh’s lower back he guided Josh out of the room.

.


	9. Chapter 9

Chris kept tapping his fingers against the steering wheel in time with the music from the pop song the radio kept playing again and again, while he mumbled along to the lyrics. He didn’t know half of the words, but that didn’t stop him. His mom had agreed to letting Chris borrow her car, but only on one condition; he had to do the grocery shopping on his way home. Therefore, he was now driving towards Josh’s home with Josh beside him and a shopping list tucked away in his pocket.

Josh was sitting in the passenger seat looking out of the window and listening to Chris’s terrible singing. He tore his gaze away from the passing houses when Chris tried to hit a particular high note, raising both of his eyebrows because of the other boy.

“A bit higher Cochise, I think there still is a dog or two in the neighborhood who didn’t go deaf,” he mocked with a friendly smile. Chris just snorted and patted Josh on his thigh.

“You know, you love it,” Chris declared in the same high and extremely false note which made Josh make another grimace. It really didn’t sound good.

“Don’t count on it,” the brunette said and shook his head one more time, but despite the headshake he was really grateful for Chris’ effort to lighten up the mood. This whole thing about Josh explicit telling Chris about his need to take medication, a fact that he had tried his best to hide from his friends for years had made Josh nervous and uncomfortable. He didn’t doubt that Chris would take it fine, he would probably be supportive. Therefore, it wasn’t Chris’ reaction that Josh’s worries were focused on; it was his own reaction, or more precisely he was worried that this moment where he would feel particularly exposed, would trigger another slip, a really bad one like the one he had when Chris had stayed the night a couple of days ago. He didn’t want to sink that deep into himself again. He tried his hardest to stay relaxed and to keep reminding himself, that Chris probably wouldn’t mind him taking medication. Chris had already seen him when his slips were bad, so what harm could a few pills do to Chris’ view of Josh? Not a lot he hope, but he still feared for the worst. He feared that it would harm their newly found relationship. The deep and dark fear of being left all alone in the darkness still tore at his heart, and he was afraid of it overwhelming him. It was like a fear of being afraid. He knew it was illogical, but that didn’t help his anxious feeling at all. Chris’ easy going nature on the other hand; that really helped him. It slowly eased the tension out of his body, and lulled the fear back to sleep.

“There we go,” Chris said as he pulled the car into the driveway in front of Josh’s home. The driveway was empty, which meant that Josh’s parents once again weren’t home. Chris couldn’t help the frown on his face. He really liked Mr. and Mrs. Washington and he knew that they tried their best, but after learning how serious Josh’ condition really was, Chris couldn’t help but resenting them a bit, because they often left Josh on his own. And Chris thought that it must be really hard for Josh to be alone, when he had one of his bad slips. The thought of Josh lying alone in the big, dark house in the middle of the night, tossing and turning in his sheets while he screamed because of the terrors that only he could see, made Chris sick to his stomach. He quickly opened the car door and stepped out into the fresh air. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, letting go of all the anger and resentment, because that wasn’t what Josh needed right now.

Josh blinked a few times when Chris suddenly exited the car, and looked around him. They really had arrived already. He had been so caught up in his own thoughts that he hadn’t noticed it. He remained in the car seat and looked up at the house, like he expected a ghost to suddenly pass by one of the windows… No ghost came. It was just an empty house, nothing to be anxious about. He slowly stepped out of the car, and started to walk towards the front entrance. He stopped when he could feel a warm hand on his shoulder. Chris was standing right behind him and he was looking at Josh with his head slightly tilted to the side and a concerned look in his eyes.

“Do you want me to wait in the car?” he asked and for a brief moment Josh actually considered it. It might be easier right now, but what good would it do him in the long run? He needed to take his medication every single day, and if Chris couldn’t be around when he did it, that would just make things complicated, and it would most defiantly feed the fears inside him. Therefor it might be for the best to just get it over with now instead of later.

“Nah, you can come in Cochise,” Josh said and looked at Chris over his shoulder. He smiled at the blonde and tilted his head towards the house, “come on.”

Chris smiled brightened when Josh used his nickname. Josh had already started calling Chris for Cochise back in third grade, and he had used it ever since. The nickname was the same, but Chris felt like the way that Josh said it, had changed. He liked it the new way. It made him feel special and wanted. He dragged his hand further along Josh’ shoulder and down his arm, until he finally reached around Josh’s back and let his hand rest against the brunette’s waist. He followed him up the driveway like that. Josh blushed at the sudden display of attraction; they had done something similar before, but not out in the open like this. The thought of Chris not caring about whatever or not people saw them together just assured Josh, how lucky he was. Chris really was a great guy and a perfect bro. He almost couldn’t wait to figure out just how good of a boyfriend Chris was.

With a smile Josh leaned into the touch and walked Chris to the front door. He fished the keys out of his pocket and unlocked the it with ease. Everything was quiet inside the big house and it send shivers down Josh’s spine. But the feeling of emptiness soon vanished, because suddenly the hallway was filled with the sound of Chris wiggling out of his boots and a few curses here and there because of the tight footwear. Josh smiled and removed his coat without any trouble.

“Be careful you don't strain anything,” he commented with a grin, and folded his arms while he leaned up against the wall. The noises from Chris helped remove the feeling of emptiness and uneasiness which usually lurked in the shadows, when Josh was alone in the big house, which was most of the time nowadays. He watched Chris’ battle with an amused smile and gave a small applaud when Chris’ finally pulled the second shoe off his foot.

“Just because I don’t pay attention in climbing class, doesn’t mean I can’t take my own shoes off, without harming myself,” Chris answered and placed his shoes neatly one the shoe rack. When he stood up in his full height again, he noticed Josh who was leaning against the wall and staring at him, with his typical Josh smile, which usually meant, that he was up to something.

“What?” Chris questioned and looked Josh over, as if he would find a hint somewhere on the other boy. Josh kept smiling and shrugged his shoulders.

“Nothing,” he said in an innocent voice and pushed himself off the wall. He slowly walked towards Chris with his hips swaying from side to side. His smile widened when he could see Chris tense up a bit. It looked like a good kind of tense, that kind you got, when you are expecting something good is about to happen. He loved the notion that it was him, who had this effect on Chris. Not Ashley. Not Sam. Him. He stopped right in front of Chris. Josh could see how could how Chris’ Adam's apple moving up and down when the blonde swallowed nervously.

“What?” Chris asked again, his voice a bit more hoarse than usual. He was suddenly painfully aware of his own hands hanging by his side. He didn’t know what to do with them. Should he cross them over his chest, or would that be too defensive? Or maybe he should place them on Josh’s waist? In the end he decided to bury his hands in the pockets of his jacket. Josh watched with an amused smile and took a small step back, giving Chris some space. Chris might like him and care about him, but Josh didn’t want to push his luck by teasing him all the time.

“I just thought we should do something about your climbing skills,” he said and without him realizing it, his eyes look up and down Chris’ body, “we could go wall climbing some time. It could be fun,” he suggested sincerely. He really wanted to spend some time with Chris, and wall climbing seemed like a good way to have some fun and to get moving.

Chris swallowed another breath, at the thought of him and Josh wall climbing together. It would probably be no problem for Josh; he was always the guy in gym who could reach the top of the rope faster than all the others. Chris never got more than half way up. Besides, Josh had always been more toned and more in shape than Chris. It had never a problem before and it had never bothered Chris before, but now he suddenly started to feel exposed and insecure about the thought of not being in the same state as Josh. He would, without a doubt make a fool out of himself on the climbing wall. It wouldn’t have mattered before, because back then they were only bros. Now they were something more; they were boyfriends. Boyfriends, whom at some point were going to be intimate with each other. Chris really hoped so, but at the same time he feared it a bit, especially if they have gone wall climbing together beforehand. Because what if Josh thought that he was weak, and didn’t like, what he saw, when he looked at Chris? Chris didn’t have a body like Josh, he knew that. He wouldn’t say that he was ashamed of his body, insecure was a better word. And who wouldn’t be when they were standing beside Josh, a guy who looked like a Greek God, at least according to Chris.

Josh’s smile dropped when Chris didn’t react with the excitement that Josh had hoped for. In fact ,there was no trace of excitement at all in Chris face. Josh didn’t know what he had said or done wrong, all he knew was that he didn’t want to make his bro uncomfortable, “or we could go see a kickass movie where someone is climbing. Must be the same thing,” he joked in an attempt the ease the sudden tension.

“Or just a really grotesque horror movie,” Chris added, already feeling more at ease now that Josh had changed the subject in a not so subtle manner. He really liked the idea of him and Josh going to the movies together, not as friends, but as boyfriends. It would be a real date.

“Mmm,” Josh purred with a wicked smile, “you know just what to say to me.” He laughed when his remark earned him a grimace from Chris. Josh really loved horror movies, the more outrageous the better. He knew that Chris didn’t share his passion for horror, he still liked it, but it could also be too much.

“You are unbelievable,” Chris said and shook his head, while he walked past Josh and into the big house, “are you coming or what?” he asked and looked over his shoulder at his boyfriend.

“Right behind you Cochise.”

\----

Once again Josh was standing in front of the mirrored cabinet with his pills in his hands, debating with himself whatever or not he should take the full dosage. Chris was waiting for him in Josh’s room, probably reading up on the new apps which were popping up everywhere. If Josh knew Chris right, the blonde was properly already absorb in some article or review. It suited Josh just fine, because then he could take his sweet time without the blonde noticing how much time had passed.

He looked down and the pills in his hand and frowned. He really hated the effect they had on his body and his mind. He felt like a complete stranger to himself, and now when he was standing there in the bathroom with Chris just down the hall, he realized that the pills wasn’t only affecting him. There were also affecting Chris, not directly, but indirectly through the changes they made in Josh’s behavior and his way of thinking. They thought made him shiver. He had done a pretty good job with trying to hide the effects that the different kind of drugs had had on him during his many years with medication. But it had been so hard. Most of the time at the end of school day or after spending an evening together with the gang, he would be exhausted and completely drained of energy. He didn’t want to do that anymore, especially not in front of Chris. He wanted to be himself around Chris, and he wanted to feel energized and happy. He just wanted to feel, and he couldn’t do that on a full dosage. So once again he slid one pill back into the bottle and swallowed the rest. With an unpleasant grimace, he stuffed the bottle back into mirrored cabin. He really hated the bitter taste pill left in his mouth. No matter how quickly he swallowed them, or how much water he drank while taking them, they always left a nasty aftertaste.

In the other room Chris were busy with his phone. He wasn’t looking at app news articles as Josh had expected. Once again, he was researching, only this time, it wasn’t for Josh’ sake, it was for his own. Josh’s comment about wall climbing had really taken its toll on him. He really liked Josh, and he really wanted to impress him. And since he clearly wouldn’t be able to do it on a climbing wall, he had to come up with something else. He didn’t have to think very hard to come up with an alternative way to impress, especially not after what had happened this morning in his room, before his mom had started vacuum cleaning. Josh might be the more experienced one, when it came to being with a girl, but none of them had ever been with another person of the same sex before. Which meant that if, Chris could read up on some of it, he might get a head start, and be able to impress Josh, despite his lacking some muscular fitness. Because how hard could it be, right? He properly just needed to read about the basics, and then he was good to go, right. About halfway through an ‘anal sex for beginners’ guide he realized that it wasn’t as easy as he had first thought. Apparently there were a lot of things to consider. He sighed deeply and pushed his glasses further up his nose. While he was reading he was also listing intensely to the sound of the bathroom door. He didn’t know why, but somehow getting caught googling anal sex would feel exactly the same as getting caught watching porn. So he would rather be prepared so he could shut the side down, as soon as Josh exited the bathroom. That would also give him some time to lose the red color that was flashing across his cheeks. He raked his hand through his hair while he tried to take all the new information in. This was really important to him, not only because it was his first time, but also because it was whit his best bro, turned boyfriend and he really didn’t want fuck it up. He really liked Josh, and therefore it was very important to him, that Josh both knew and felt it. So he kept on readning.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go guys. This is the last chapter of Night Terror. I felt a bit sad, when I had written the last word, but I think it made a lot of sense to end the story where I have. I hope you guys agree with me :)  
> I really enjoyed writing this story, and it has really meant a lot to me when you guys have left kudos or comments. It is really nice to see, that other people enjoy my work. So thank you guys so much!  
> There will be sex in this chapter so for those of you who don’t feel comfortable reading that, I have marked it wit at “warning start” and a “warning end”, so you can just skip that part without missing anything of the plot.  
> But once again, thanks for all the support and please enjoy the last chapter of Night Terror.

Chris looked up when he heard the bathroom door open and quickly closed the browser on his phone, and took a few deep breaths to make his blush disappear.

“Hey,” Chris said immediately when Josh walked in the door. He wore a forced smile to hide his own nervousness and embarrassment. There was of course no way, that Josh could know about what he had been googling just now, but still Chris couldn’t help but feeling completely exposed in front of the other boy. It felt like Josh could see the browser history reflected in Chris’ glasses.

Josh raised an eyebrow and gave Chris a funny look, because of the sudden outburst “Hey?” He said, and kept an eye on Chris while he walked towards the other boy. He sat on the edge of the bed with his knee almost touching Chris’.

“Are you okay?” Chris had seemed a bit off since this morning, and Josh couldn’t really figure out why. Maybe things were moving too fast for the blonde boy?

“Yeah, yeah,” Chris again answered way to quickly while shaking his head.

“Chris, are you completely sure?” Josh asked, trying to sound firm and serious, but instead he ended up sound insecure, which properly was the right description of his state of mind right now. Had he really already screwed something up with Chris? He tried to be optimistic about it, and insured himself that he probably had read the situation wrong or something like that. But the voices in the back of his mind had a much more sinister explanation.

Chris quickly caught on to the change in the brunette’s tone. He had known the guy for so long, that he knew what most of the different nuances in Josh’s tone of voice meant by now. His features softened and he placed a gentle hand upon Josh’s knee, giving it a gentle squish.

“Yeah, I was just… Thinking,” he admitted and scratched his chin. He could feel the red color from earlier slowly blushing up again, but it was okay he told himself. Stuff like that was supposed to be awkward.

Josh blinked a few times, confused because of the sudden change mood, but confusion soon got replaced by curiosity, mostly because of the cute blush that was kissing Chris’s cheeks. Josh had a pretty good idea, what the other boy had been thinking about. Despite all the trouble with Josh’s pills and his reluctance to take them, Josh would be lying, if he said that he himself hadn’t thought about this morning. So he completely understood Chris. But he still wanted to hear the other boy say it. Mostly because Josh loved how Chris looked when he was all flushed and awkward.

“Thinking about what?” Josh asked and tilted his head to the side, looking at Chris with what he hoped to be a confused look. He tried to keep the smile that was threatening to break out on his lips in check. Josh couldn’t help but lick his own lips, when he watched Chris’ Adam’s apple move up and down, when the blonde swallowed nervously.

“Well… you know…” Chris waved his hand around like he was trying to write something in the air, “I was thinking about us and… you know” once again he waved his hand around, this time gesturing between himself and the brunette. His blush deepened; he could almost feel how his cheeks were burning. But it was okay. It was totally normal, right? But then why wasn’t Josh affected? He just sat there and looked at Chris, all relaxed and cool like they were talking about the weather.

“Not, that I want to… you know push things forward or anything. Not because I don’t want to, it’s not like that… I just…” he babbled on without really knowing where he was going with any of this.

Josh felt completely flattered, and even though Chris didn’t make any sense at this point, Josh couldn’t help but stare at Chris; the way his gaze aimlessly drifted around in the room, the way his glasses slowly were sliding down his nose and finally Chris’ mouth. Josh didn’t register the words, there were coming out of it anymore, all his attention was directed at those red lips.

“I did some googling,” Chris then suddenly said, which tore Josh’ attention from Chris’ mouth and he looked the Blonde in the eye, and tilted his head a little. Chris was finally looking at him, and even though he seemed flustered and embarrassed, he also seemed completely serious. The change from being nervous and all over the place to being serious and determent had caught Josh off guard, which was why Chris now had Josh’s undivided attention.

“Googling?” Josh asked with confusion clear in his voice.

“Yeah,” Chris admitted and looked away from Josh, in order to pull himself together, “after this morning I realized that I know nothing about sex and stuff like that, and I really don’t want to disappoint you, I…hmpf,” he didn’t get to finish his sentence before he had Josh’s lips pressed against his own. After the initial chock had passed Chris relaxed enough to return the kiss, and he even managed to shift his position, making it possible for Josh to slide his knee between Chris’ legs. The contact made Chris jump and he gasped into the kiss, making Josh smile in satisfaction.

(Warning start)

“You are worrying to much Cochise,” the brunette whispered against Chris’ warm lips. After hearing Chris’ little google explanation, everything suddenly made so much sense. Josh knew that Chris was the biggest pleaser in the world, so why would it be any different now that they were boyfriends? Despite the fact Chris’ eagerness to please was a really charming feature; it might be a hindrance to him in situations like this, where it only served to fuel self-doubt. But Josh had a feeling that he could change that. He kissed Chris’ lips one last time, before his mouth traveled down Chris’ neck, leaving behind a trail of small bites and open-mouth kisses.

“A-am I?” Chris gasped when Josh nibbled at his collarbone. He could fell the brunette nod against his skin.

“Yes, you are. And do you know why Cochise?” Josh asked with a purr and placed his hand on Chris thigh, massaging the skin in small circles through Chris’ pants. Chris swallowed a lump in his throat, even though he no longer could see Josh’s face; he was still perfectly able to hear the smug grin in Josh’s voice. The blonde jumped in a mixture of surprise and ecstasy when Josh squeezed Chris’ thigh and licked a hot trail across his collar bone at the same time. The brunette was enjoying this way too much, Chris was sure of it. But it nevertheless made Chris feel more relaxed and confident enough to tangle one of his hands in Josh’s soft brown hair.

“Why?” He asked to play along with Josh’s little game.

“Because,” Josh mumbled into Chris ’skin and then he slowly lifted his head, and looked at Chris, “I really like you Chris, and I really enjoy spending time with you,” he said in an honest tone and the sly grin was replaced with a warm smile. The sight was almost enough to make Chris’ heart melt. But the innocent and sincere look didn’t last very long. The grin was back and Josh was slowly moving his hand further up towards Chris’ crouch.

“And I just love seeing you like this. Do you have any idea how hot you look right now?” Josh asked while keeping eye contact with Chris. He was still moving his hand upward. “I really want you right now,” Josh moved his hand in small circles getting closer and closer to the tent, which was forming in Chris pants. Josh couldn’t really blame him. He himself was also half hard already, and his fingers were aching to take Chris’ cock in his hand.

“J-Josh” Chris gasped because of Josh’s words. He wasn’t used to being praised like this at all, but he quickly discovered how much he actually liked it. Especially the part about Josh wanting him, send jolts of pleasure through Chris’ body. His legs trembled and he was unsure of whatever he should cross one leg over the other and hide his growing erection or move his legs further apart to give Josh’s fingers more space to work their magic.

At the sound of his name Josh stilled and looked at Josh, unsure if he had moved to fast, or if he had done something wrong. Maybe Chris didn’t like a little dirty talk? He was ready to move his hand away; but a grip on his wrist stopped him. He looked down at the hand holding him and back up at Chris, confusion written all over his face.

“You can’t say stuff like that and expect me to last long,” Chris warned him and gave Josh an apologetic smile. Josh sighed in relief and smiled back at the blonde. Now that he knew nothing was wrong, he was back in his slight cocky mood.

“Don’t worry Cochise, there is always next time,” Josh assured him and caught the blonde’s lips with his own, “besides, I’m way too close already too,” he admitted into the kiss, making Chris hum in anticipation. The brunette parted his lips, and Chris took the invitation and hungrily began to explore Josh’s mouth. Josh’s moans urged Chris to go on, and with a firm grip in the brown locks, he lay down and pulled Josh along with him.

The movement caused their groins to press together and both moaned. Josh broke the kiss and raised his chest off of Chris, his weight supported by both of his arms, which were placed on each side of Chris’ head. He chuckled when he looked down at Chris, only to discover that his glasses were completely askew.

“Here, let me,” he said and took the glasses off him and leaned over Chris in order to place them on the nightstand. When the glasses were safely put away Josh resumed kissing Chris. It was a bit sloppy, full of teeth and tongue, but in Josh’s opinion, it was the best kiss he ever had.

Chris griped on to Josh’s shoulders like his life depended on it. It felt like his whole body was on fire, but it wasn’t enough. He needed more. Out of pure instinct he raised his hips and rubbed them against Josh’s clothed erection. The brunette moaned loudly, his hip thrusting down to meet Chris’ upward movement.

Josh broke the kiss only to begin kissing and nibbling at Chris earlobe.  
“You are wearing too much cloth,” he breathed into Chris ear, and laughed when Chris once again raised his hips off the bed.

“Then you better do something about it,” Chris smirked and look up at Josh, breathing heavily and pupils blown wide.   Josh groaned deep in his throat at the sight, leaned back on his heels and began to unbutton Chris’ pants. He liked his lips and slowly lowered the garment. He swallowed hard when Chris’ erection became obvious because of the way his underwear was tenting. With some help from Chris, Josh managed to get the pants off him. He tossed them over his shoulder, not even caring where they landed and his own shirt soon followed.

Chris couldn’t help the warm feeling that started spreading through him when he noticed that the necklace he had given Josh, was hanging around the brunette’s neck. It filled him with pride to see that Josh actually was wearing his gift. Josh noticed Chris staring at the necklace and looked at it himself.

“I really appreciate it you know,” he said and softly touched the silver bead with his fingertips, “it reminds me of you every time I look at it,” he said, but as soon as the words had left his mouth he wished he had kept his mouth shut, “Sorry. That sounded a lot cheesier than it did in my head,” he apologized while running a hand through his brown locks. Chris shook his head and chuckled lightly at his boyfriend’s behavior. It was so strange to see Josh like this; with his guards down and completely exposed, and Chris felt honored that Josh allowed him to see him like this.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Chris assured him and looked Josh up and down with a hungry gaze, “but what you do need is to get out of those pants,” he tried to mimic the deep and almost hoarse voice that Josh had used earlier, but he didn’t quite manage, but that didn’t matter at all, cause the result was still the same. Josh’s smile widened and he leaned down for another kiss. Chris shivered when he heard the sound of the zipper being pulled down.  

With a bit of effort Josh freed himself from his jeans and tossed them onto the growing pile of cloth on the floor.

“Now, where were we?” He asked when he turned his attention back to Chris. He let his green eyes travel from the top of Chris’ head, down his chest and stopped at the blonde’s groin.

“Oh, I remember,” He said and pushed Chris’ many layers of shirts up, revealing a trail of blonde hair that started at Chris navel and continued under the waistband of his boxers.

“Now tell me, what did you find out from your little google adventure?” He asked while he leaned down to kiss around Chris’ navel and slowly started to follow the blonde trail. He nipped and licked at the sensitive skin and hummed happily, when he could feel Chris tremble under his touch.

“Need an answer Cochise,” he purred and hooked his fingers in the waistband of Chris’ boxers and slowly lowered them while kissing the newly revealed skin.

Chris had heard Josh’s question, but it was like his brain had stopped working the moment when Josh’s mouth got closer to where he wanted it the most. All he could focus on was those hot lips on his sensitive skin. He really wanted to answer Josh to get things moving, but it was like the line from his brain to his mouth was broken, because not a single thought could be made verbal. Only when Josh stopped kissing his skin and looked at him with that familiar smug smile, could Chris form an answer.

“Lots of foreplay and preparation are important,” he said almost out of breath and look at Josh, whom had started to rub his hand in small circles just above Chris’ bellybutton. The brunette looked so pleased with himself, and Chris could feel his body reaction to those green eyes that were staring at him, like he was the only thing in the world.

“Is that so?” Josh asked in an innocent voice, but Chris could see right through him. He knew that whatever thoughts were running through Josh’s mind right now, were far from innocent.

“Well, can’t argue with google.”

Before Chris could comprehend what was happening, Josh had lowered his boxers the rest of the way and taken the head of Chris’ cock in his mouth. Chris moaned out loud and arched his back off the bed, fisting the sheets so hard that his knuckles were turning white. The urge to thrust up into Josh’s warm mouth, was so overwhelming, but Josh’s hand on his hip, kept him in place. He groaned again when he looked down and discovered that Josh’s big green eyes were looking straight at him through those long lashes. Chris got caught in the gaze and released his grip on the sheets only to bury one hand in Josh’s brown hair.

Josh hummed around the hard flesh, when he felt the pressure on top of his head. The sound vibrated through Chris’s hard cock, making him shiver and fight harder to resist the urge to shove Josh further down his length. Josh’s tongue traced the sensitive area just under the head of Chris’ cock, before the brunette finally sunk further down.

Josh slowly began to bob his head up and down, memorizing every inch of Chris’ hard cock. Every time he came up, he flicked his tongue over the tip of the head, in a way that drove Chris insane. Josh let go of Chris’ hip and used his hand to pump that part of the cock, that wasn’t covered by his mouth. Without something to restrain him, Chris couldn’t help but to thrust up into Josh’s mouth, making the brunette gag. Josh removed his lips from the hard cock, but kept pumping it with his hand in a much faster rhythm, pushing Chris closer and closer to the edge.

“Easy there tiger,” Josh teased and Chris gave him and apologetic smile, which Josh immediately accepted. He gave Chris a few hard strokes before he leaned down and licked the tip with his tongue, teasing the slit.

“J-Josh, I.. I’m really close,” Chris warned his boyfriend with a shaking voice. He was so close, but he didn’t want it to end so soon.

Josh smiled, pulling back slowly and releasing Chris’ cock, not only to prevent his friend from coming too soon, but also so he could give him a deep and heated look, making Chris blush. He wasn’t used to looks like that being directed at him.

“We can’t have that now, can we?” Josh said in a low voice. He moved his hands up along Chris’ stomach and chest, digging them underneath the many layers of cloth, that Chris wore, so he could pull them over his head.

Chris felt more exposed now when his shirts were off, revealing his pale and soft stomach, than when Josh had pulled down his underwear. He held his breath and sucked his stomach in when Josh caressed it with the palm of his hand.

The discomfort of seeing Chris so uncomfortable in his own skin was making Josh’s heart ache. He knew the feeling of not feeling at home in your own body all too well. At night and when he was all alone, his own body and mind felt more like a battlefield than a home, and he guessed that Chris was battling some of the same feelings right now, even though he had no reason to. But that is the fucked up thing about the human condition, we often never see the beauty or strength in ourselves that others can see so clearly, and because we don’t realize that the power is there, we fail to use it.

“Easy Cochise,” Josh whispered and moved up along the younger male’s body to kiss him, “just tell me if you’re uncomfortable with any of this, and we’ll stop,” he assured him between kisses. He could fell Chris nod, but since no words of protest came, Josh continued to explore Chris’ body with his hands and mouth, but he stayed clear of the lower stomach area, since that seemed to make Chris feel uncomfortable. He kissed down Chris’ chest until his lips met a nipple. He licked it slowly and blew air on it, making it stiffen. Chris moaned at the sensation and squeezed his eyes shut. Josh smirked at the sound and his mouth traveled across Chris’ chest to give the other nipple some attention too. His hands were busy with exploring Chris back, his hips and waist, but when they by accident moved across Chris’ stomach the boy tensed and Josh stopped the movement.

“Want me to stop?” Josh asked a bit out of breath, because all that touching and body contact was really getting him riled up, but if Chris needed a break, he would give it to him. A spiteful voice in the back of his mind tried to convince him, that it was because of him that Chris was hesitating. It was because he wasn’t good enough. The voice tried to coax him into following it down the road that lead deeper and deeper down into despair, but the heat from the body below him, and the feeling of the silver bead around his neck, assured him that the voice was wrong. He was worth loving and he was good enough.

“No, I…” Chris’ stuttered and tried to swallow the lump which had formed in his throat. He really didn’t want Josh to stop, but he was afraid that Josh wanted to stop, if that even made any sense. He was afraid that Josh didn’t want to continue after seeing what Chris’ body. He bit his lower lip and looked anywhere but at the brunette whom was still lying on top of him.

“I’m just a bit embarrassed,” he finally admitted, after reminding himself that Josh had done such a good job with opening himself up to Chris, so the least thing Chris could do, was to return that openness and be honest with his boyfriend, “I’m not exactly as good looking as you,” he said and shrugged his should, in an attempt to diminish his discomfort.

Josh slowly nodded and looked at Chris with a warm smile. Now he had a much better idea of what Chris’ inner darkness was made of, and what kind of nasty things there was being whispered from it.

“Chris,” Josh said and closed his hand around Chris’ waist, slowly leading his hand down between their bodies, “I find you extremely good looking and super sexy. And if you don’t believe me, believe this,” without any warning, he pressed Chris’ hand against his own hard erection, that had been neglected until now. Chris eyes widened and Josh moaned under his breath.

Chris knew that Josh also had to be affected by this whole thing, but knowing and actually feeling was two completely different things. He could feel Josh’s hard cock through the thin material and now that he had felt it he couldn’t stop touching it. He knew that it was because of him, that Josh was like this, and that thought was strong enough to battle his inner insecurity, at least for now.

Josh let go of Chris hand, but the blonde kept it in placing. He slowly started to stroke alongside the clothed length, earning him another moan from Josh.

“See,” Josh groaned and trusted his hips into Chris hands to create more friction, “that’s because of you,” he declared and cracked open an eye to look at Chris. The blonde wasn’t looking at him. He was looking at down at Josh’s still-covered crotch while moving his thumb in small circles over Josh’s sensitive head, making him stain his boxers with precome. To get the blonde’s attention Josh leaned down and kissed the teen between the eyebrows.

“Want me to take them off?” Josh asked already lowering the material with one of his hands.

Chris didn’t trust his own voice so he nodded eagerly instead, making Josh grin.

“Very well.”

Josh quickly got rid of the last bit of clothing, leaving them both completely naked. Chris looked up at the brunette above him, licking his lips unknowingly. Josh smiled and took both of Chris’ hands in his own, guiding them to his chest. Chris soon caught on and started exploring his lover’s body. They had seen each other naked before, but not like. This was a whole new experience, and Chris loved every second of it. Josh leaned down again, pressing his chest flushed against Chris’, forcing the blonde to move his hands onto Josh’ back, where they continued to explore the naked skin. Josh slid one thigh in between Chris’ legs as he pulled their hips flush together. He grinned at the other boy before devouring his mouth. He nipped at the bottom lip with his teeth, and then soothed it with laps of his tongue.

“I believe Google said something about preparation too,” Josh mumbled against Chris skin and smirked when he could feel how Chris’ hands stilled on his back, “why don’t you elaborate a bit on that part?” Josh had a pretty good idea what preparation involved, but he much rather hear Chris say it, or at least try to.

Chris wet his lips nervously and looked up at Josh, whom was smiling down at him with a wicked gleam in his eyes. Chris wasn’t really sure what to say, or not, that was not right. He knew what to say, he just didn’t know how to say it, how to phrase the words properly. When he had googled the topic earlier, it had been to have some basic knowledge; he hadn’t counted on using that knowledge so soon. And when he had been reading about he hadn’t really given any thoughts to who would be doing what. That might have been a mistake, because now he didn’t knew what to expect or what Josh expected would happen next. He swallowed again, and when there still was no answer Josh kissed him on the cheek and buried his face into Chris’ collarbone nuzzling it with his nose.

“Or you could just show me. That would be alright, it would actually be even better,” he suggested and shrugged his shoulders, like the subject didn’t really matter to him. But the truth was that it really did. He really wanted Chris to take the lead. He was usually the guy with the plane and the one who arranged everything, like parties and get-togethers. He had always spent a lot of time on planning and execution, and all the others had to do, was just attending. Just for once, he needed someone else to be in control, someone he trusted. Someone with whom, he could just close his eyes, and surrender completely to the other person, without having any doubts. He trusted Chris like that, and he wanted to show it to him, make him realize just how perfect and loveable he was.

Chris’ eyes widen at Josh implicit insinuation and for a short while, he didn’t move at all, waiting for Josh to change his mind. But when the brunette continued to whisper encouraging words against his collarbone curiosity won over and Chris let one hand move from Josh’s lower back to the cleft of his exposed backside. He let one finger slide down in between the cheeks, and slowly up again, which caused Josh to shiver. High on the wonderful feeling he got, from seeing Josh like this, Chris dared to move his finger a little lower until he found the puckered hole. He gently started to rub around it in small circles, adding a little bit of pressure after every completely circle, until the tip of his finger slipped through the tight ring of muscles. Josh squirmed and tensed at the sudden intrusion. It felt strange and slightly uncomfortable, but nothing he couldn’t handle right now. With his eyes squeezed shut, Josh took a few deep breaths, trying to make his body more relaxed with every exhale. Chris raised up on one elbow to getter a better view. His gaze shifted between watching his finger slowly moving further inside Josh and to looking at Josh’s face, watching for any sign of discomfort. He was almost at the first knuckle when Josh groaned and grimaced.

“W-we need lube,” Chris stuttered taken back by the sudden outburst of pain looking, around the room in half panic. He had really tried to be careful and gentle, but this was all new to him, and he was really nervous. And as a result, he had forgotten the one thing the site he had been researching had claimed to be the most important one; lube, lots and lots of lube.

Even in his discomfort Josh managed to chuckle and with a hand on Chris’ chin, he managed to get the blonde’s attention.

“Nightstand, third drawer,” Josh simply said. After trying to masturbate with lube and discovering how good it felt, he always kept one hidden in his room, in case he needed some special alone time.

Chris flew out from under Josh and towards the nightstand, where he immediately opened the third drawer as Josh had instructed him to. He grinned in triumph when he pulled out the bottle, but he almost dropped it, when he turned around only to find Josh lying on his back on the bed, legs bend and parted and his head crooked to the side, enabling him to look at Chris. Chris had frozen to the spot because of the sight of his boyfriend spread out like that.

Josh ran a hand down his own side and up his thigh, while keeping the eye contact with Chris.

“Are you just gonna stand there all day?” he asked in a, what he hoped to be an indifferent voice, but the lust and want in his eyes, gave him away. The way Chris was looking at him right now sent sparks through his whole body, and he could feel himself grow impatient. He was aching for Chris to touch him, he needed Chris to touch him.

The sound of his boyfriend’s voice got Chris’ brain to kick start in to functioning again, and he settled down between Josh’ spread legs. He slowly caressed Josh kneecap and down his leg, causing the brunette to shiver.

“Please go on,” Josh begged, driven nuts by anticipation. Hearing Josh beg like this, was so far from how Chris normally saw Josh, but the big contrast just made it even more exiting. Chris quickly opened the lube, and covered two of his fingers. He knew he needed to stretch Josh out first and that he needed to go slow, or else it would be uncomfortable for his partner or it may even hurt him, and Chris did not want that to happen. He slowly slid one finger inside Josh, this time the finger went almost all the way in, without any trouble. Lube really was a must have.   When the finger was all the way inside, Chris stilled and looked up at Josh. The green eyes weren’t shut, but were focused on him, and his mouth was slightly open.

Chris started to move the finger in and out in a slow and steady rhythm, giving Josh time to get used to the intrusion. His eyes roamed over Josh’ beautiful body, but they always seemed to return to those green orbs. Chris bit his lower lip, and started to caress Josh’ inner thigh with his free hand, each time moving closer and closer to his leaking cock.

“One more Cochise, “Josh encouraged him partly because he knew that it was what Chris needed to hear right now and partly because he needed more or else he would go crazy.

To hear his nickname spoken like that in a situation like this almost sent Chris over the edge. He slowly slid his finger out and lubed up two fingers this time. He lined them up and carefully pushed them inside Josh’s tight entrance. The brunette grimaced and arched his back, his muscle clenching around the fingers.

"Sorry," Chris whispered, and instead of continuing to caress his boyfriend’s thigh, he used his other hand to pump Josh's cock, hoping to take his mind off the slight burn he had to be feeling. Chris leaned down towards him, hushing a bit in an attempt the get the other to relax.

“You’re doing great, “He praised Josh and kept pushing in and out of the tight heat, “that’s it. Just relax,” He could feel how Josh was slowly loosening up, and the pained expression had turned into one of pleasure. Their breathing had become more labored by now with and occasional loud gasp or gentle moan could be heard from both of them. Every sound Josh made sent the blood straight from Chris head and down to his painfully hard cock. He dared to pick up the speed a little while crooking his fingers, making Chris moan and grip the sheets.

“There. Do that again,” Josh begged in a hoarse voice, trying to get eye contact with Chris. Whatever the blonde boy had touched inside of him, it had felt amazing and all discomfort had been replaced with pure pleasure. Chris hummed in agreement and tried to aim for that special spot every time he pushed in. It wasn’t hard to tell whatever or not he hit the right place, because every time he hit it, Josh would jerk and arch his back of the mattress, while urging Chris to keep going.

Every single cell in Josh body was on fire, but it wasn’t enough. He needed more. He needed things to move along. So without a warning, he grabbed Chris’ free hand and yanked the blonde down towards him, catching his lips with his own.

“Get the condom in my wallet. Back pocket in my jeans,” Josh chocked against Chris’ lips, when Chris once again touched that spot deep inside of him, that made him see stars. He groaned at the empty feeling that followed when Chris removed his fingers, in order to retrieve Josh’s pants

When Chris got back to the bed Josh immediately enclosed him a tight hug, while he kissed and nipped at the blonde’s ear. Taken back by the sudden gesture all Chris could do, was to return the hug from the very naked Josh. Their hard cocks rubbed together between their bodies while Josh continued his assault on Chris’ earlobe. With both his hand on Chris’ waist, Josh guided them both down onto the bed with Chris on top, nested between Josh’s spread legs.

“I really love you know,” Josh admitted in a low voice, if it wasn’t because Chris had had his ear right next to Josh mouth, he wouldn’t have heard it. But he did, and it made his heart melt.

“I really love you too,” he whispered back in the same low and tender tone and kissed Josh on the cheek, “are you ready?”

“Been ready since we got here.”

Satisfied with the answer Chris sat back on his heels, while grabbing both lube and the condom. He tore open the package with his teeth and unrolled the condom onto his cock. He could feel Josh’s eyes on him the whole time, and it both excited him and made him nervous at the same time. He once again grabbed the lube and squished a big amount onto his palm and started slicking himself up. The lube was cold, but Chris was far too focused on what he was about to do, to even care. Chris moved in closer to Josh, and the brunette immediately spread his legs further apart to give Chris more space to work his magic. He lined up the tip of his cock up with Josh’ hole, and slowly started to push in. He let his thumbs rub soothing circles into Josh’s hip as his cock pushed through the ring of muscles, and then he stopped, in order to not hurt Josh by entering too fast. Chris moaned in pleasure, and tightened his grip on Josh’ thigh. Josh felt amazing. So tight and warm.

Josh inhaled a sharp breath, tensing his whole body at first. Chris cock was a whole lot bigger than just two of his fingers. It burned slightly and left him with a strange new sensation. When Chris could feel his boyfriend relaxing around his cock, he pushed in further, going very slowly until he was all the way in, staying right where he was, with his eyes closed and his mouth formed into an ‘o’. It felt absolutely amazing, so tight and hot and just plain perfect. Chris had to resist the urge to pull out and slam back in again, because he wanted to give Josh time to adjust.

Josh moaned when he felt Chris’ balls press against his ass and he rocked back against Chris. The movement burned, but, but the sound that came deep from Chris’ throat, took Josh’ mind completely of the slightly unpleasant feeling. He would love to hear more of those voices coming from his boyfriend, so he did it again, dragging another moan from Chris.

“Stop that or this will be over way too soon,” Chris panted and clung onto Josh’s shoulders, breathing heavy into his ear.

“Don’t care. Just move.” Josh groaned out in a broken voice, rocking back into Chris. He was close too. The burning sensation and the pain had subsided and pleasure had taken its place. He was already on the edge, but he needed more to push him over. He needed Chris to move, “please move.”

That was all the encouragement Chris needed. He slowly pulled almost all the way out, before pushing back in, in a steady pace. It felt incredible, better than any fantasy he ever had. He kissed alongside Josh’s collarbone, biting and licking at the skin he found, before finally kissing his boyfriend on the lips.

Josh kissed him back with eager and ran his tongue along Chris’ lower lip, asking for entrance, which Chris immediately granted. Their tongues dragged together, savoring each other’s taste. The kiss quickly became more heated as Chris started to thrust faster. They both groaned when Chris by accident found Josh’s sweet spot again, and the brunette clenched down on Chris cock. He warped both of his legs around Chris, forcing him to go even deeper.

Chris whole body trembled and he could feel balls tighten as he got closer and closer to his release. He reached down between their bodies and took hold of Josh’s hard cock and started pumping it in a fast rhythm. Josh groaned and jerked at the sudden overstimulation, and after a few pumps he came. He let out an exhausted and muffled moan, digging his fingers into Chris’ back. Josh’s muscles clenched around Chris’ cock, which sent him over the edge too. He shook and shivered against his boyfriend as he came deep inside Josh.

It became too for Chris to hold himself up on his arms, so he pulled out and collapsed beside Josh, both trying to catch their breaths. They stayed like that for a while. None of them were talking, because none of them felt like they needed any words right now. The only sound was the sound of labored breathing that slowly got more relaxed and controlled.

(warning end)

Chris smiled to himself and opened both of his eyes. He was still breathing faster than normal and his hair was damp with sweat. He turned onto his side to look at Josh. The brunette was still lying on his back with his eyes closed, one hand on his chest and the other pressed against his forehead.

Josh opened his eyes when he could feel Chris eyes on him. He turned in the bed, to look at the blonde, who was looking back at him with a satisfied smile. Josh smiled to himself. He still couldn’t believe that this was happening, that he was with Chris right now. Chris really was a good guy. He hadn’t even judged Josh the slightest bit, when Josh had revealed that he wasn’t as happy and functional as he appeared. He had been and still was so supportive. Josh smiled at the thought and moved a bit closer to Chris, until he could feel the heat radiating from his boyfriend’s body. The blonde mimicked the movement and put both his arms around Josh, allowing the brunette to tuck himself under Chris’s chin, head resting on Chris’ chest. Josh closed his eyes and listened to the calming sound of Chris’ heartbeat. Chris really deserves everything, he was so much better, than the rest of their little gang. He had proven that time after time. Especially one occasion that stood out in Josh’s mind; out of all his so called friends, Chris was the only one who didn’t know about the prank on Hannah and therefore he had no part in the deaths of Josh’s sister. He was like one of those heroes from his dad’s movies. He could totally be the hero that survived despite all odds being against him, and he didn’t even know it himself. He deserved to know, and he deserved the others to acknowledge it too. And maybe Josh could help him with that, he actually really wanted to help Chris with that, because he wanted to give something back for all the help Chris has given him. Josh could do that, he could make Chris the hero, and in the process, he could also teach the others a lesson, make them fear for their lives just like his sisters had. It wouldn’t make them even, but it would certainly be quite therapeutic, Josh was sure of it. Maybe it would even satisfy the blaming voices that echoed through his mind, whenever he let his guards down.

Josh swallowed a lump in his throat and bit his lip nervously. He knew that he needed a solid plan if he wanted pull this one off, and to do that he needed to be sharp and clear in the head. He needed to get out of this constant fog that he pills shrouded him in. He needed his old self back, not this unclear shadow. And needed to be at his best all of the time, he couldn’t afford to feel exposed and broken down once a week because of a one hour session. Filled with determination, he sat up in the bed. Chris raised himself up on the elbow and looked up at Josh with a raised eyebrow.

“Something wrong,” he asked when the brunette leaned towards the side of the bed, where he started digging through his cloth.

“Nah, just something I need to take care of, while I still remember,” Josh assured his boyfriend, without even looking at him. He was focused on the task at hand; getting his phone. A satisfied smile spread across his lips, when he pulled the small device out of his pocket. He looked back at Chris, who still had his eyebrow raised.

“I’m just going to text my therapist. I can’t make it to my next session, so we have to find another time,” he said only half lying. He did need to cancel next week’s session yes, but he didn’t plan on coming back to Dr. Hill anytime soon, at least not while he was taking care of the therapy himself. Maybe afterwards he would see Dr. Hill only to show him that a bit of well-placed revenge was all he really needed. He opened up his mail on the small phone and started typing a message to Dr. Hill, explaining to him, why he wouldn’t be coming to their sessions the next couple of months. He had been with Dr. Hill for a long time, and even though the Doctor really could ask some hurtful questions, Josh still felt like he needed to let him know, like he owed him an explanation. If he didn’t it would feel like a loose end, and Josh hated loose ends.

All the while Josh was writing the mail, he could still feel Chris eyes on him, and he didn’t even have to look at Chris, to know what the other boy was thinking, because he could almost feel the skepticism in them.

“Don’t worry Chris. I’m just making another appointment,” Josh said as he hit the send button and looked up from his phone to give Chris a confident and warm smile, which masked his real intentions. Even though he had sworn not even hours ago, that he wouldn’t put on a mask in front of Chris, he felt like he this one was needed because it would help them both out in the end. This mask was justified. And the masked worked, because the skepticism in Chris’ eyes quickly got replaced by affection.  
“I’m your boyfriend now, so it’s my job to worry,” Chris responded and placed his free hand upon Josh’s own. The gesture was a bit cheesier that he had originally intended, but what the hell, he was still new to all this, and if Josh made fun of him, he didn’t mind, as long as the brunette was happy.

But Josh didn’t make fun of him, he only chuckled lightly and leaned towards him, “hmm, so thoughtful you are,” Josh purred in a low voice, smiling down at Chris. Chris returned the smile and leaned up towards him, closing the gap between their lips. He never got tired of kissing Josh. He tasted sweet and salty at the same time, and underneath all that there was the taste, which Chris only could describe as the taste of Josh. He moaned into the kiss and lay back down, dragging Josh with him. The brunette chuckled into the kiss, but followed Chris nevertheless, ignoring the vibrating phone beside him. Josh lay down half dragged onto of Chris’ chest and rested his forehead against Chris’ own. A wide grin spread across his lips and under him, he could fell Chris frown.

“Don’t” Chris warned him.

“What? I haven’t said anything?” Josh answered with laughter ringing in his voice. His smile only got bigger, when Chris continued to frown at him.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Chris said and shook his head, because of Josh’s devilish smile. It was attractive as hell and Chris could feel how the sight sent shivers through his body.

“Oh,come on Cochise,” Josh pleaded and gave Chris the best puppy dog eyes he could. He cheered in triumph when Chris sighed and lowered his eyes.

“Alright, go on; Say it.”

Josh made a low purring sound in his throat and looked at Chris through half closed eyes while he leaned in to whisper into the blonde’s ear, “You totally took me to the bone zone.” Chris groaned and Josh laughed, resting his cheek against Chris’ chest once more.

“You’re such a dork,” Chris sighed and shook his head.

“I know,” Josh mumbled satisfied, “But I am your dork.”

Josh groaned in annoyance when his phone vibrated again beside them. Josh reached for it, still lying with his cheek pressed down onto Chris cheek. With a swipe of his thumb the mobile came to life. It was Dr. Hill who had been texting him back, again and again.

Dr. Hill: Hi Josh, it's Alan. I hope you don't mind me texting you, but this is important. I got your email. I don't think that your plan is going to help. I think you need to stop what you're doing and come to see me.

Dr. Hill: Please, pick up your phone. I'm getting worried.

Josh’s frowned deepened. He had expected that Dr. Hill would approve of his plan, he was apparently wrong. Maybe Dr. Hill just didn’t think that Josh could do it; well he would prove him wrong. He didn’t need Dr. Hill. He would fix this on his own. He would make everything right.

Josh: LEAVE ME ALONE.

As soon as he had hit the send button he threw the phone to the other side of the mattress, fully intending on ignoring it, when it buzzed again.

“Who was it?” Chris asked. Josh’s screen had been almost right in front of him, but he hadn’t read the text or Josh’s answer, even though all it would take were for him to move his head just a bit to the side. But he had refrained from doing it, because he and Josh had just started to be completely honest with each other, and Chris didn’t want to break that trust by snooping around in Josh’s business. He trusted that Josh would tell him, if it was something important.

“My therapist,” Josh answered and snuggled his face into Chris’ chest, “he said it was okay, and we could find a new time later,” the lie didn’t come easy, he had to keep reminding himself that he was doing this for Chris’ sake, and it was the right thing to do, even though it meant lying to his boyfriend. He could feel Chris nod above him.

“Glad you could work it out.”

Josh pulled himself off from Chris’ chest in order to look at the other boy. Josh gently caressed Chris cheek and smiled when his boyfriend leaned into the touch, “I think everything is going to work out just fine,” Josh said, and for the first time he actually believed those words.

 


End file.
